Logsdon Life

Moving on

2011-09-14T07:20:00.002-07:00

I'm still here, I promise!

My husband was offered an on-air Meteorologist position in Fort Wayne, Indiana. A week and a half ago....

we leave Spokane, Washington on Sunday...

everything happening so fast, life crazy. But I will blog about everything soon

Months go by

2011-08-31T11:33:00.007-07:00

I better write down some milestones before I forget them. I never imagined that the 2nd child would really have less pictures and less documentation in baby books...but it has happened. :( Poor Kennedie, life is busy with you and your big sister.

Anyway

1 week old
Still in NICU but about to leave a few days later.

1 Month old
It was a busy month filled with lots and lots of snoozing. And lots and lots of growing. Big Sister had her duties as the Spokane Guilds' School poster child this month, so we had several early mornings with new crews and standing on street corners collecting donations. Grandma and Grandpa Logsdon came to visit for the first time as well.

2 months old! Look how big I got!
This month Kenna was more alert and awake for longer periods, she really started to coo at us when she saw us. This month was marked by a big move....in town. But get ready kid, with a daddy like yours and his career, this mama foresees several more moves.

3 months and smiling all the time
getting so big, we can't keep up with you as far as clothes go. You'll catch up to your sister before we know it!

4 months old and wearing 12 month clothes. You sure do love to eat (even if you did reject your mama's boobs) ;( But you're a happy, healthy baby so that's all that matters!

5 months old and the 1 picture mama was able to capture without you rolling out of the frame! There's no stopping you now that you can roll over. Lots and lots of talking from you as well. You love to tell us your stories!

NICU

2011-08-09T08:17:00.011-07:00

NICU was and still is a blur in my memory. Mostly due to the sheer exhaustion and hormone fluctuations post partum, paired with large amounts of pain medication post c-section. But even more so I think I had to mentally put up some walls around my heart and my mind in order to get through it.

It is an incredibly odd and helpless feeling to relinquish control of your child's care and well being into the hands of the NICU doctors and nurses. To only be able to hold your child at certain times of the day and for a short period of time, to have to remember to check their temperature before you pick her up, when she's screaming and everything in your body aches to just hold her skin to skin and feed her, but you can't yet. Those were the moments I didn't think I'd be able to get through.

I had to yet again rearrange my thinking to allow for new hopes and dreams. After Abigail's birth (insert link) I had 2 goals for Kennedie's that I was unwaivering about; 1) that I would be conscious and Andrew be present and 2) that I would be able to breastfeed. Only one of those came true and it's taken months to accept the later.

I was able to stay in the hospital a total of 5 days and they had to almost kick me out to get me to leave without my baby. After my time in recovery they wheeled me in to see her and hold her skin to skin for a little bit before taking me to my room. I had to wait almost 24 hours before they let me go back and before they'd let me try to pump. To those 2 things I am still horrifically mad about. The 3rd being that I had such a severe reaction to the morphine they put in my spinal block that I was itching uncontrollable for several days. They pumped me full of benedryl without batting an eye. I later found out that benedryl was the reason my milked dried up after the initial colostrum. It took a lot to get it back, but I was able to pump exclusively for 4 months and I have enough in the freezer to give her a few ounces each day well past 1 year. It's still a sore spot on my memories of my children that I can never change and never try for another do-over as we are done having children. But eventually I can accept it.

First time holding Kennedie, a few hours after her birth

Under the bili lights for jaundice

First time Big Sister gets to see Kenna. (Before Abby got sick)

Eating like a champ!

Every 4 hours as much as we could we would be in NICU doing Kenna's care times and soaking up the moments. The day after I was released and my mom was still at home from work for a few days and Andrew was back at work, Abigail got really sick. So sick that she was vomitting blood. My mom and I took her to ER and they admitted her for several days. So I had one daughter in NICU at one hospital and the other at a different hospital down the street. My mom stayed with Abby when I couldn't. The security guards at Kenna's hospital were amazing and would transport me back and forth since I wasn't cleared to drive yet.

The only reason Kenna ended up needing NICU was because of her age (which I finally convinced the docs that I was right all along and she had to be older then 33 weeks), and because of jaundice. She ate like a champ, though she needed a nasal feeding tube at first since she was too tired to eat. They even snapped a picture of her feeding herself at 5 days old!

Close to going home, graduated to an open-air crib. IV out, still has feeding tube just in case, but at this point it hadn't been used for almost 4 days. Still has sensors on, but other then that, cord free and in clothes!

One week old! In anticipation for her early arrival we bought some preemie clothes because we couldn't find Abby's. Kenna outgrew them before she came home from NICU!

Abby came home a few days later with a new possible diagnosis of being lactose intolerant (no official testing has been done, but a switch to soy has solved all her vomit and constipation issues) and then Kenna the following morning. Finally we all breathed a collective sigh of relief and attempted a new life together. I felt much more in control of my emotions once I had my babies back home, in my arms, under our care. Prior to that Andrew says I was a mess (understandably), like I said at the beginning, those days are a blur. Photos offer some reminders but overall I look back feeling as if I wasn't in my own body. I was going through the motions, having emotional break downs from pain and anxiety and heart break, all the while trying to hold onto every shred of hope and comfort that Andrew could provide me. I'm glad I'm not in that place any longer, it's the worst pit of depression I've ever encountered.

It's only by God's strength that we survived those 9 days.

Mere hours before going home, the final test...being able to sit in a car seat for 1 hour without any issues! Passed with flying colors! Speaking of passing....the day before the Audiologist came in and she passed hearing screen too!

ahhh finally home! We still haven't got a new crib ;( we found out days before she arrived that Abby's crib was damaged in our last move. That's a big budget buster, so for now, pack n' play it is.

Kenna's Birth Part 2

2011-07-30T21:24:00.008-07:00

As they wheeled me down to the operating room I started to loose it a little but I tried to hold it all together. Then my OB walked in and gave me a hug and the flood gates broke loose. My OB and my Perinatalogist were wonderful throughout the whole pregnancy. I guess it's one of the up sides to being so high risk...you're not another nameless face in their system. With all the overnight stays I saw half of the practice and they all knew about me. I was greatful to have my actual OB doing the delivery though.

I snickered a little to myself because it was mid-afternoon and my doctor, even though she wasn't on call, chose to come do my c-section. Which means all those times with past pregnancies that I've sat and waited for over and hour only to then be told 'I'm sorry the doctor is doing a delivery and should be back soon' are now vindicated, I was finally the one holding up patients in the office. Ha Ha *sticks tongue out* ;)

I wasn't really nervous about Kennedie's well being. Every ultrasound showed her actively breathing and her weight was good so no one anticipated any complications. I was terrified of having a spinal block though. You'd think after all the medical stuff I've been through, I would be a pro and be able to tolerate anything...not so, I pass out with and IV and still can't watch a blood draw and it's really hard for me to pull the trigger to poke my finger for my blood thinner checks.

The spinal was pretty easy though, the feeling was more pressure then pain. It worked too well on me and went up to my arms and made me feel claustrophobic and after they had me strapped in, I panicked and puked all over the cute resident ;) But after that I felt amazing. Andrew was able to join me and my doctors were amazing at keeping me calm.

The actual delivery only took a few moments. And soon we heard the sound that we both had to miss with Abigail's delivery, Kennedie's first cry!

Everyone in the room breathed a collective sigh of relief when we heard her crying and they saw how big she was. At 33 weeks 5 days she weighed a nice 5lbs 8oz and was breathing on her own. Her Apgar scores were 9 and 9. I was able to see her for a moment, give her a kiss and Andrew was able to cut the cord (he still squirms when he thinks about it) ;)

Then she was whisked away to NICU and Andrew was able to follow. She would stay for 9 days though they had told me to prepare for her to stay until her due date.

The rest of the surgery took FOREVER! The doctors had to ask me about 20 times if I was sure I wanted a tubal ligation making me sterile. To each time I said "yes!" My OB discovered that the inside of my uterus looked like Swiss cheese from scar tissue. I've had 5 pregnancies, 3 miscarriages, 3 D & C's, 1 HSG and countless months of complications post pregnancy from retained products. She said I was making a very wise decision to not try to get pregnant ever again and she was surprised that we had been able to carry 2 babies at all. Our miracles!

Stay tuned...

Kenna's Birth Story

2011-07-30T10:31:00.005-07:00

Well considering she just turned 4 months, I better write this down before I forget. Some of the details are already getting hazy...

It wouldn't be a Kristin pregnancy if it we're for complications! Kennedie was my 5th and final pregnancy. Before Abigail came along Andrew and I were starting to give up hope that we'd ever have a biological child. We had already started the process of foster/adopt and the day we got our first placement we found out we were pregnant with Abby. If you've followed this blog for any length of time then you know all about our miracle child #1. Now let me tell you about #2. We didn't think we'd ever have one child and now we are blessed with 2. God is good!

You may recall my last blog entry about Kennedie (or the many facebook updates), we left off a few weeks before her arrival with me stuck on bed rest. That bed rest lasted about 4 weeks with each week getting more and more restrictive. Throughout the entire 2nd trimester I had random bouts of bleeding. Each time turned out to be nothing, but each time landed me an overnight stay in the hospital. Then towards the end I started having pre-term labor. That earned me bed rest initially. A few days later a fluid scan showed low but ok amniotic fluid levels. Just to be safe they gave me the steroid shots to mature her lungs, by their calculations I was 31 weeks. I was to drown with fluids myself for 4 days straight and then recheck. The next scan they we're slightly up but still not in the 'good' range. They gave me a few days break. We went back again for the next check and my fluid was back down very low. 2 days later even lower.

Each of these appointments were a rollercoaster of emotions because the doctors kept changing their minds on what to do. One minute it was time to deliver, the next it was "'go home for 3 days"

I'll tell ya I was really getting tired of all the non-stress tests and the darn goopy stuff! Though with Abby I had several more NST's. Each time I did and NST Kenna would pass with flying colors.

I remember not ever letting up from clicking the button with each movement because she constantly moved all the time. With Abby it took an entire hour each test just to get the required 10 movements, and they usually had to buzz her to wake her. The vast differences between them never cease to amaze me.

The goop....ugh

Finally at 33 weeks 4 days the doctors decided that enough was enough and they scheduled my c-section for the following morning. I had already been on hospital bed rest for 48 hours and I soooo ready for a non-delivery bed. Those things are not meant for long term, and they are so uncomfortable. Even though I was c-section only they wouldn't give me a comfy bed until after she was born.

After they made the decision to deliver early, my room became a constant sea of visitors. Many we're incredibly welcome (the lady on the left is Andrew's Aunt Lois, she's a NICU nurse and helped calm my nerves). I had all kinds of hospital staff in and out making sure I knew what was about to happen and about the risks involved with delivering 6 weeks early. Up until the day before Kenna didn't mind the low fluid, but she had started to have trouble recovering after each contraction as the hours went by. The didn't give me the choice to try a VBAC because my fluid was so low they feared stronger contractions and pushing might injure her.
Minutes before going back into the operating room. The very last time I would ever be pregnant, puffy, goopy and uncomfortable on a L&D bed! I was happy but also scared of the upcoming spinal block and Kenna's well being.

more to come....

Stay Tuned

2011-07-20T15:18:00.001-07:00

Here are a few upcoming posts that I've been meaning to get around to...
* Abigail the Poster Child
* Kennedie's early entry and our NICU experience (several posts I'm sure)
* My mom's wedding
* Life on our own after 2 years

Where do the days go?

2011-07-20T14:31:00.003-07:00

It's been months and even before that it was inconsistent. Blogging has taken a huge back burner for me. I still read everyone's blogs, but yet I never feel like I have anything interesting or worthwhile to say.

In all honestly I'm pretty severely depressed. Life is great and all, but the monotony of doing the same thing day in and day out is getting to me. The reality that I may never be able to go back and work towards a Master's degree to become a Speech therapist is tough. It's also a pretty rotten feeling to just be waiting for Andrew to get another on-air job. He's completely unhappy doing what he's doing. His passion is to be doing the weather and to be on camera. I want so badly for his dream job to reappear again.

We know after the horrible tornado in Joplin, MO just blocks from our old house, that we made the right choice to pack up and move back to Washington 2 years ago. But after 2 years back, things are no better then they were before. We're still poor, we're still just barely getting by. All the family and friends whom we hoped we'd have close relationships with are virtually non-existent. My own sister and I are like strangers. We're as isolated her in our home state mere blocks or miles away from our blood relatives as we were in Joplin, 1400 miles away from anyone we knew.

What was the point of coming back? The last 2 years have been so hard. Living with your mom as an adult, when the relationship was never a good one to begin with, was the hardest test to our relationship we've ever encountered. But she reconnected with her high school sweetheart, got married July 5th and moved to Georgia. We moved into a small but nice apartment in hopes that it'll be temporary. Andrew's agent is working hard to find him another job, but for one reason or another every time we get a nibble it doesn't pan out. We can't continue on much longer without making some drastic changes. Like me going back to work. However that is counterproductive considering the income I'd bring in vs the high cost of 2 kids in child care.

I don't know what will happen or if anything will. But in the meantime I'm trying to daily remind myself that we are so incredibly blessed. Our marriage is stronger then ever, we have two beautiful, healthy girls. We have a roof over our heads, food on the table, bills are able to be paid etc. But still something or rather someone is missing.

Anyway enough with being a downer. I doubt anyone still reads this so it's probably a waste anyway.

Happy Dance!

2011-03-10T10:04:00.002-08:00

In the last few months Abigail got to see a new Audiologist and ENT and they made a world of difference for us. Our previous ones we're awful and flat out refused to help us try and get her a BAHA. They had no reasoning other then refusing to try.

Anyway the new AuD is amazing and so sweet with her patients and parents. At our first visit a few months ago it was discovered that Abigail's tube was jam packed with wax and she was suffering a mild hearing loss of 30dB in that ear. This was very bad considering her microtic ear gives her a 60-80dB loss. So we did a few weeks of drops and tried to clear the tube but it didn't work. The ENT ended up replacing the tube and after about a month we finally got to have a repeat audiogram today. Abby did so great, she's really at the point of understanding what's going on and does play audiometry really well. They were able to test her from 250Hz-4000Hz and her hearing is back to normal at 15dB across the board! Such great news because we have to protect that ear.

Then the audiologist checked her fit of the BAHA and was pleased with how well she's wearing it and so are we. Abby has really come out of her shell lately and her language has exploded! She's amazing!

The other good news is that since the first of the year we changed insurance plans and added Abby to Andrew's plan with his company and medicaid secondary. This new plan opens up the door to get her a newer BAHA model that is stronger, smaller and under warranty! We'd hold on to the donated one for a while as a back up just in case but ultimately we hope to be able to pay it forward and donate it to another family in need.

I feel like finally after two and a half years we are finally treading water with her medical conditions and she is blossoming into an amazingly witty and smart little girl. She's far surpassing her milestones and isn't qualifying for birth-3 services really anymore. I know that every 6 months when we're faced with spinal xrays we will continue to hold our breath and hope that she hasn't progressed to needing surgery. But other then that she is proving to everyone what an amazing miracle she is and that nothing is going to stop her. I'm totally awe inspired by her!

Now on to baby #2, Kennedie is trying to make her appearance early and I'm fighting it as much as possible. My recent perinatal appointment revealed that my amniotic fluid is dangerously low. They gave me 2 rounds of steroid shots and switched my blood thinners to a kind that is out of my system faster in case they need to deliver early. Being on this new thinner reduces the risk of having to be put under general anesthesia and missing yet another one of my babies births. I'm 33 weeks today and praying we get to at least 36 or 37 weeks. I'm scared at the possibility of enduring a long NICU stay, though I know she'd be in excellent hands, she'd be better in my belly longer.
Prayers are appreciated!

Anyway I figure I'm not very good at updating any more and this might be my only chance for a while. And heck I'm bored sitting her on bed rest. Poor Abby is getting sick of it too. There's only so much we can do while sitting on the couch. Good thing daddy gets off work at 1:30 every day and they can run off some energy!

Cute Kid Contests

2011-02-03T12:13:00.002-08:00

I bothers me that all these cute kid contests keep popping up and not once have I seen a kiddo with a visible disability or facial difference featured. Yet there are websites out there to make fun of these children, like as in the case of rate my downs .com (I didn't type it properly because I don't want to give that jerk anymore search engine power).

I know that every parent feels their child is the cutest in the world, that's normal and natural. And for the most part others will tell you how cute your child is, regardless of their looks. But when these contests and horrible websites pop up, it causes me to wonder what people really think about Abigail and her facial difference. Are people just being nice to our face or is she really that cute? Do people then go behind our backs and say or think horrible things about her?

I know it shouldn't bother me what others think, but the reality is, this kiddo is going to have a hell of a time in school with teasing, more so then 'typically developing' kids have with teasing. How can I convince her that she is beautiful if society uses those with differences as a source of ridicule and discrimination?

I don't think I'd be bothered so much if some of these ill feelings and comments weren't being thrown around in my own family. Words of racism, discrimination, using the 'retard' word etc. I'm glad I can keep Abby away from those people most of the time except for an occasional birthday or family get together. But how alone in her own family will she feel when she comprehends that those words are used to describe her?

Ignorance is infuriating!

Concerns for baby #8

2010-11-14T13:00:00.001-08:00

Abigail is our miracle child, we lost 6 babies before her. She was the first conceived on fertility meds and we're so thankful to have her in our lives. We took all of her diagnosis' in stride and all that mattered to us is that we had our baby and she was going to live a long happy life. Differences or disabilities or not, she is perfect to us. Now we're pregnant again due in May 2011, this is the first pregnant w/o fertility meds that has survived past the 1st trimester. I've had a few scares in the last few weeks, but it appears that everything is fine with the baby. We have our big anatomy ultrasound in a few weeks and I've already prepared them that they will be spending lots of time getting good looks at the baby's spine, palate, ears etc.

I keep finding myself kind of hoping for this baby to also have Goldenhar syndrome. I know that sounds horrible, but I really fear that if this baby is born "perfect" as in without any congenital abnormalities that Abby may wonder "why me" when she's older.

Has anyone else felt this way about bring in a new baby? Or those who have multiple kids, maybe even older kids, can you share how to deal with these hard questions and confusing feelings?

I just don't want my daughter to always feel different or less than her sibling.

thanks for reading
Kristin

BAHA

2010-11-13T07:25:00.003-08:00

I signed up for a bunch of online support groups for Microtia and Atresia back when Abigail was younger, and then I kind of got busy and just ignored them. But recently due to our battle with our Audiologist I thought I might reach out to others and see if they've dealt with the same thing. The response was overwhelming! It's unfortunate but many of the kiddos who are unilaterally affected have had to fight for amplification, however a resounding majority were hooked up with a BAHA from a very young age. So I still have the question of "why is our AuD picking on us?"

Anyway one mom read our struggle and contacted me. They were able to purchase a used BAHA for their daughter, however she only ended up wearing it for about a month. She needed to have atresia repair pretty soon after because she had a benign tumor in that ear. They were able to repair the canal and remove the tumor and her hearing was restored. They've wanted to donate it to someone else and be able to get a tax write off for it (um yeah I so would too those things are expensive!)

So anyway there was this amazing offer before me and I've tried to keep calm and not get my hopes up because it could fall through, but I'm so excited and feel utterly blessed! I was able to work it out with Abby's school that the BAHA be donated to them and then they would choose who it goes to. It has to be done this way for tax and legal purposes apparently, but considering Abigail is the only one in their services who would qualify for it's use, it'll be "loaned" out to us!

Ahhh I'm so giddy! I can't believe the it! We'll I'll fully believe it when I have it in our hands or around Abby's head :)

I'll never doubt the power of prayer and the kindness of strangers ever again!

Finally and update!

2010-11-05T14:10:00.002-07:00

I've neglected you blogger friends. I've been reading but not writing. I'm truly sorry :)

Anyway most of you are facebook friends so you know pretty much the jest of what has been going on in our lives, but since I've found a few Microtia/Atresia support groups and referenced my blog I figured I'd better actually do an update.

Last you heard I had just started back at school to work towards a Master's degree in Speech Language Pathology. Well day 1 of class we found out we were expecting again. Fast forward about 9 weeks and Andrew took on a weekend Meteorologist job in Eugene, OR (8.5 hour drive away) to fill in for a gal on maternity leave. Stress levels were running very high, my blood pressure was very high and we made the decision to have me withdraw from school for the time being. A few days later God confirmed that was a wise decision because I started spotting and have been on modified bed rest ever since. This week I was in the hospital due to dehydration caused by the flu and about 20+ episodes of throwing up in less than 24 hours. Ick.

Being back home full time is exactly what I needed. Our baby is doing great, the spotting has seemed to stop, but tends to come back so I'm not holding my breath. It allows Abigail and I to travel to Eugene with Andrew and gets me away from my mother...glorious! Yes we're still living under the same roof for a few more months.

Abigail is doing amazing. She barely qualifies for early intervention anymore but we're keeping her in until they kick us out! :) Her language is great, despite her spine and neck she is moving great and overall a happy albeit fiestly toddler.

We are currently in an all out war with our Audiologist regarding getting her a BAHA hearing devise. The CROS bone conduction aid that she gave us is a piece of crap that doesn't fit properly, can't be turned up loud enough to be effective without squealing with feedback and is overall very disappointing. The AuD refuses to even try to get insurance approval for the BAHA stating she isn't worth the cost. Even though insurance would approve it. So after several attempts to get her to help us and get other medical professionals to help us, we're going back to Seattle's audiology clinic to try there. Before Seattle had said the age old story of "she has one good ear lets just keep that healthy and no she doesn't need to be aided" Where do these people go to school????? Well I figure I'll give it one more try before we put together a fundraiser and try to come up with the $8000 to pay for one ourselves. I'm so not giving up on my daughter!

Anyway that about sums it all up. I'll try to be more active on this blog and even post a picture or two soon too. :)

Microtia in the news

2010-10-06T20:11:00.001-07:00

Neglected

2010-09-04T08:02:00.002-07:00

I hardly ever have time to write anymore. I've just finished my 2nd week of school and it is very intense. To add to that intensity is the fact that on my first day of classes we found out that we are expecting again! I'm only 5.5 weeks along right now but the exhaustion has set in. Not too much nausea yet. I've been having my HCG levels checked and they went from 44 to 129 to 3900 in a matter of days. A normal doubling time is every 72 hours and my levels are doubling every 1.28 days!

I had an unpleasant run in with my OB nurse as she suggested that I should consider an abortion since we conceived on coumadin. And was insistent that i disclose if we got pregnant on purpose or not! They refuse to see me until I go see a perinatalologist. I go see the specialist next week and then I'm switching doctors!

In Abby news, we went to have her hearing tested with the BAHA and she didn't let us get very far...surprise surprise. But when talking with the Audiologist we discovered that there is an alternative devise to the BAHA that is much cheaper and won't require insurance battles and proof of big gains in hearing. She hears and compensates very well, but an aid would make it even better. But since a BAHA is $4500 the insurance is more strict. The other devise (I don't know the name yet) is only $600. She can use this new devise when we get it, until she's older and we decide what to do about reconstruction or implant for her ear.

Oh and Abby got a great report card at her last round of Seattle Children's visits. She probably won't ever require a rod in her spine, but may in the future need a neck fusion to sure up a weak spot. Genetics are debating on if she really has Goldenhar or not...nothing new with that. But all in all she's doing better than anyone expected. So good in fact she almost tested out of early intervention services, just barely qualified for speech! She'll be caught up to her peers in no time!

This also means she'll be aided in the next month or two vs waiting 6 months-a year of fighting with insurance for the other.

Other than that there's not much else going on with us. Andrew's a giddy man today as college football game day is on again! It feels like fall and I'm so glad. I'm super happy that I won't be pregnant in the hot summer like last time :) Unfortunately I'm due around finals of next semester, but I'll deliver almost a month early so it should make for an interesting semester!

More Ear Stuff

2010-07-14T12:27:00.004-07:00

I know I've neglected you all and this blog, I will get better eventually :)

But now for a quick update...

We went to see the ENT today to go over results of Abigail's sedated ABR hearing test and her previous CT and MRI. He said that she is not a candidate for reconstruction of her ear in order to restore hearing. She doesn't have the bones to form the canal and doesn't have enough space in her inner ear. All the other parts to have hearing are there and working though.

So what does that mean?

Well it means that getting her a Baby/softband BAHA is the right thing to do. It'll route sound to her inner ear and stimulate that nerve and brain development. Eventually when she's 5 or older they can then do the bone device to attach the BAHA more permanently and eliminate the need for the headband piece.

When she's older 7+ we might be able to still go forward with reconstruction of her outer ear but since it would be purely cosmetic I'm not sure what we'd run into with insurance. We'll have to wait and see on that and as she gets old she can be the one to make that decision.

Next week we go back and meat with the Hearing Center to get the long arduous process of getting Medicaid insurance approval for the BAHA. We're keeping our fingers crossed that they don't deny it. I'm hoping it'll go smooth like everything else in the past has.

We'll see.

Here's a picture because you all are probably wondering what in the heck Abby looks like now since it's been so long since I've updated....here ya go.

The House(s) that Built Me

2010-06-10T12:49:00.004-07:00

I don't normally listen to country music because most of the songs usually hit too close to home and cause me to well up with tears. Today I was channel surfing in the car because I hate commercials and all the annoying talking, I just want music. The country station was playing a song so that's where I stopped.

I hadn't heard this one before, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. It's no secret that I very much miss my dad even though he passed when I was 12, moving back here has resurfaced a lot of the grief that I've been trying to ignore. It's especially hard if I drive past his old house, to see all the remodeling that my uncle has done is really hard. Also driving past the home that my mom and I lived in that he and her lived in together when they were married. To see how the new owners have trashed it and chopped down a big maple tree that held many memories.

This song so eloquently encompassed all those feelings that I've been struggling with. It's so hard not to dwell on the past, I know I need to find some healing and move forward. I can't change that he's not here, but every day I wish he was. A girls' not meant to grow up without a father.

Disneyland

2010-05-31T09:41:00.004-07:00

As exhausting as it was, we had a blast in Disneyland. Can't wait to take Abby back when she's a little older. Her favorite ride was the carousel and rode that about 5 times. LOVED Minnie Mouse and Pooh Bear!

Enjoy some pictures. I'm still recovering from a bad tooth infect and don't have much energy to write more.

Her first Minnie Mouse sighting had her practically jumping out of the stroller.

She will only ride on Papa's shoulders and no one else!

Small World ride with Aunt Sarah

Princess in Training

She devoured this pickle and entertained a line of people while doing so

2nd time on the carousel

Being silly with mommy we're practicing our excited face

Daddy bought her a Pooh Bear, she wanted the giant $100 one, but had to settle for a smaller one (still as big as her)

Running around

Yup that's Chef Robert Irvine from the Food Network show Dinner Impossible. It was the food and Wine festive in California Adventure. It was super overpriced and we didn't go to any of it, but it was still cool to see a celebrity.

Assertiveness

2010-05-10T11:38:00.003-07:00

As I peer through the one way glass into Abigail's preschool class, I see a little girl who is so much smaller than her peers and who is so much quieter then her peers. At the playground I see a little girl who loves to run fast and play hard, but is often overlooked and shoved aside by bigger kids.

At home we see a big kid with a big voice and a big personality. A big kid who has no fear when asserting herself and telling us "NO!"

I want so much for Abigail to grow her voice when in a crowd, for her to learn to stand up for herself and to shout "NO!" to that big kid trying to shove her out of the way. To say "My turn!" at school when the group is asked who wants to pick the next song.

She's so quiet that she fades away into the background. It's breaking my heart to see. Yet I don't know what to do to help her gain that assertiveness that she needs.

She's comfortable at home, she's aware of her surroundings and of the sights and sounds of home. I know that it'll take time and I know that with some coaching and patience she'll find her voice. Some people never find their voices. Andrew and I are determined to make sure Abby finds hers.

Abby's hearing loss is the biggest obstacle when it comes to school. With two working ears one can tune out excess noise and chatter. With only one properly working ear, Abby is unable to tune anything out. So it quickly becomes overwhelming. I've noticed that she's quietly observing and boy is she ever taking it all in because she comes home singing and signing new songs all the time. But when is comes to participating she can't seem to keep up. Part of it's age as well and once some of the older kiddos filter out I'm sure we'll see little miss bossy Abby emerge.

It's a lesson for me as a mom because I can't sit behind her in group and help her to raise her hand to be called on, or to participate in the song with her signs and words. I can't do for her and so I must figure out a way to teach her to do for herself. I can't protect her during every trip up and down the slide to keep others from pushing past her or shoving her down the slide. Though mama bear does come out quiet often when that happens. I know that I can't always be there. And if I were I know that it would just be hindering her.

Ah motherhood....

Bloomsday

2010-05-04T10:29:00.004-07:00

Andrew and I had a great time together doing Bloomsday. For those who don't know, Bloomsday is an annual 12k race here in Spokane, WA that attracts over 50,000 people including elite professional runners and wheelchair racers. It's been years since I've been able to participate since we've lived so far away. This was Andrew's first time.

Other then getting a blister around mile 1 because I stupidly wore the wrong socks, we did well. We walked the whole way because of my feet and so our time was 2 hours 3o minutes. Next year we're going to try and come in under 2 hours.

Many people wear custom t-shirts to promote local businesses, events and causes or just to be funny. We thought it'd be the perfect opportunity to promote our new social group Spokane's Special Parents. The response was quite welcoming and we ended up meeting about 6 other parents of special needs children and directed them to join our group. So far we have about 20 members with several unofficially joined members as well. It's been a big undertaking to organize group events and playdates. But having the opportunity to meet and befriend other parents of special needs kids makes it all worth it. I'm still desperately wanting to meet (in-person) another family affected by Goldenhar syndrome. We've met lots of people online but face to face would be wonderful.

Pictures taken with a crapy smally point and shoot camera for the sake of not having to carry around my good one.

Busy Bee

2010-04-20T16:56:00.002-07:00

I feel like I haven't posted in ages, though I do check my blog roll everyday so I am keeping up with everyone.

Life has been hectic but in a good way. I've been filling my time with organizing a local play group. My goal is for it to really focus on special needs families as well as all other types of families. I'm a big believer in full inclusion so I'm not going to single special needs out. But at the same time I know personally how hard it is to find other parents who even remotely understand what you're life is like with a special needs kiddo, so when we find those people we have to hang on tight.

It is a process to organize a group of people, frustrating at times but I'm confident of the end result.

We've also been adjusting to our new weekly schedule with Abigail's group therapy times. She is doing so well in her class, though I wish she'd talk while there. She gets so shy and just likes to quietly observe. But boy is she taking it all in! I love staying to observe her through the 1 way windows on occasion, but as much as I like to stay, I love getting out kid free and going to the gym during that time so much.

Abigail is going to be featured in an upcoming newsletter put on by her school and we've also been asked to come and share our story with the Board of Trustees as well. It's always fun to talk about our little miracle girl!

I have also taken on a part time job, I'm going to be a sub for the local YMCA child watch. I think this will be a good job to have because I don't have to commit to a set schedule of every single day and I will be able to work during times when Andrew is at home with Abigail. Who couldn't use a little extra income too!

What else...well I'm immersing myself back into my passion for photography. I figure now is as good of time as any to really dive in and learn all the technical aspects of photography. Come this summer and fall, school will be my life, so I might as well have a little fun before hand. I've launched my photography blog and eventually might even have a website too. I'm offering free photoshoots to just about everyone I know so I can practice. I only wish I had a spare $500-$1500 to invest in some extra toys to go with my camera...someday. :) For now it's very much a hobby and I don't know that I'll ever turn professional...but ya never know. For me if I won a prize at the county fair that'd be good enough for me.

Oh and the Navy thing, boy did Andrew have me worried! As we talked more and he researched more it started to sound like a great opportunity for our family and the benefits sounded amazing. But then Andrew got some real information from a recruiter and we very much appreciated his honesty. After going over all the details we discovered that he would have to be gone quite a bit and we decided that wasn't best for our family. So the Navy is off the table. Eventually I hope he is able to find another Meteorology related job, but for now we are where we are and I'm happy to be able to finally plant some roots without fear of moving again anytime soon.

Well I think that's about it on the Logsdon home front...

Lil Ladybug Photography

2010-04-09T17:44:00.001-07:00

I'm looking for subjects to practice my photography skills on...see more details on my photoblog.

Changes a-brewin

2010-03-30T19:33:00.002-07:00

Why does it always seem like every time we get settled we think about uprooting ourselves again? You all (I'm assuming) know that my husband is a Meteorologist. He did about 3 years on tv and then gave up his career to move us home near family.

It was always his decision to make, yet I can't shake the guilty feeling that I have because it was me who really needed to be back home for my own sanity. He promises he made the choice of his own free will and promises that he'll never resent that decision. But deep down I know he's sad that he isn't doing something that he loves.

He could try to go back into TV, but as we learned from being there before, unless you're at the top and on the weekday evening show, you're a nobody and you're paid like a nobody. He's making more now then he's ever made yet we're still poor, and he's unfulfilled in his career.

So it's looking strongly like he's going to join the Navy to become an Officer and a Meteorologist for the military. After several months of talking about it I'm still left with questions and an uneasy feeling about it. Yet I know that for his career path it's one of the best choices he could make.

I don't know when it's going to happen or even if it is for sure yet. But it's a possibility that has me once again facing the fear of the unknown. I don't do well when I can't plan our my future.

I'm scared but excited at the same time. Who knows what'll happen, but for now I have to find away to quiet my mind of the unending questions and just wait and see what he decides. Regardless I know that I have to support him 100%.

Growing Up

2010-03-21T08:07:00.003-07:00

On April 5th Abigail is going to start group therapy at her school. That means that I will leave her there from 8:30-10:30 MWF. 6 precious hours to myself! I'm looking forward to it :)

Last Friday we visited her class to get her acquainted. They were just sitting down to do a craft project. The teacher handed each child a paper plate, and then a piece of bread, and then they painted on bread with colored milk, toasted, buttered and ate said bread.

Abby has never liked bread...refused even the smallest bite. Yet as she watched her peers enjoying themselves she had a hayday! She giggled, she painted and she ate and ate and ate and ate!

I'm so excited to see the progress she makes in group.

Disneyland

2010-03-02T20:10:00.002-08:00

You may remember me saying in my last post that we are a Disney family. Andrew and I went to Disneyland for our honeymoon, we went a year later, the year after that, skipped a year, went back, skipped another year and are returning again this May for our 7th anniversary and as family trip.

Andrew's parents and sister have been at least 100 times in the last 3 years as my sis in law works for Horizon and we all fly free (or at a great discount). They have annual passes even though they live in Washington...that's how often they go. :)

Anyway we've been on the look out to see which Disney character would become Abigail's favorite. Grandma bought a bucket of Princess dolls, a Donald Duck stuffed toy, various clothes and movies. In the last few weeks Abigail has become obsessed....

I guess I know what ride we'll be on over and over and over again.

Gender Stereotypes

2010-03-02T19:54:00.003-08:00

I have a Bachelor's in Human Development (aka Early Childhood Education)...I remember countless professors teaching about the importance of avoiding gender stereotypes, mainly girl/boy specific toys and all things Disney. However, having a daughter has changed my views a bit.

For one there are very few gender neutral toys/clothes etc to choose from in the stores. A majority kid items are boy or girl specific. Regardless we have tried to toe the line and keep a balance in our home. Abby has tools as well as a kitchen, babies as well as cars. When it comes to clothes, it's hard as a parent to have a stranger question the gender of your child. So after many occasions of having her referred to as a boy when wearing yellows, greens or blues, we've made it a habit to have a touch of "girly" on when wearing "boyish" colors.

The 'No Disney' rule never applied in our household because we are a Disney-lovin family. But I did try to avoid buying all the baby strollers, doll houses and vacuum cleaners that liter the girls toy isles.

Abigail had another idea though....the other night while on a search for a warm mist humidifier to clear up her lungs, she, completely on her own accord picked out this from the toy isle:

She pushed this all over the store and lucky for her, daddy brought it home. Now she pushes it all around the house. Everytime we say "it's time to go bye-bye" she gets her baby and her stroller and goes to the front door. She's been very upset that we've had to leave her baby's stroller at home.

All I can say is this girl wants what she wants, despite our best efforts to be neutral, she is a girly girl.

Wee Waves

2010-02-28T21:03:00.005-08:00

It's no secret that Abigail's right ear is incompletely formed ( I like that better then deformed), but some might not notice that it is also lower then the left ear, it's not as noticeable because the muscles on the right side of her neck are shorter and tighter so she tends to lean her head to the side. Though with the help of therapy and general growing she holds her neck much straighter then she did months ago.

Anyway, back to her right ear...the low set part is where we have trouble when it comes to sunglasses. Case in point....

These were taken last summer when Abigail was 7 months old.

Notice how high the ear piece goes when placed around her left ear correctly.

When she's not paying attention to the glasses, they stay on for a minute or two before sliding down her right ear and nose.

So imagine my shock and awe when, strolling around Fred Meyer this evening I happened upon these:

Well not these kind exactly. The ones I bought are a brand called Wee Waves. I can't find them online anywhere though. But in my search for a picture I found several more brands of them, so I'm going to buy several pairs in several sizes to get us through the next few years.

I'm so happy! Now if I can convince Abigail that wearing sunglasses is a fun and cool and necessary thing to do....ha ha yeah right!

Bored

2010-02-17T12:25:00.002-08:00

I'm not bragging that my daughter takes 2.5-3 hour naps during the day, but she does. Usually I get caught up on housework, take the dogs outside, do a workout and catch up on the computer. But all in all that doesn't take that long.

I keep our house tidy so I never have a big cleaning need, just a few small things a day. I read, I knit, I play some video games but all in all I find that much of the day I am simply bored. Tired of the same routine. Sick of the TV, the computer, the books, the crafts etc. Just bored.

This happens at night too after everyone is home. We spend time together but then ultimately every one recedes to their own activities or hours in front of the tv. To my husband and mother, this is a way to relax after a long day at work. To me it's just more of the same.

What others do to combat the boredom? I guess I should just relish in the free time for now because soon I'll have my nose stuck in textbooks. Oh well...just curious.

Hat Fiasco

2010-02-11T15:50:00.007-08:00

We have hat and hood fiasco going on this winter. See if you notice what that might be....

An entire pile of hats and not one fits properly. Sure some of the ear flap hats work to cover both ears but I have yet to find one that fits snugly and comfortably for Abigail. As we love to go on walks at night and it often cold and windy, we need to find a good solution to keep those little ears warm.

So I commission my readers to keep your eyes and ears (ha ha) open for that perfect hat and let me know so I can go buy it. The 12-24 month ones are too big and the 6-12 too small....good luck :)

In the mean time for walks we usually put her in this...

What To Do With Little Hands

2010-02-05T12:14:00.003-08:00

One day as I was checking my email, Abigail went wondering into our bedroom and proceeded to open up several drawers of my jewelery chest. Usually this kind of curiosity might spark a bit of panic for a mom but in this case the lower drawers that she opened housed empty jewelry boxes. For some reason whenever I have received a piece of jewelry I have kept the little box that it came in. I've never used the boxes again, just tucked them away in the bottom drawers of the chest. Maybe some part of me knew I was saving them for such a game as this....

You'll have to excuse the poor quality photos, these were taken with an older camera.

Abigail was quite interested in opening and closing this watch case

She stacked the boxes really high and then enjoyed knocking her tower down and spreading the boxes all over the ground.

She discovered that some of the boxes had pieces of foam in them

She took all of her boxes one by one into her room and then pulled out some blocks from her stacking train set and put them inside and closed the lids.

It's amazing to me how much a child can learn just from a simple box.

Love me some books!

2010-02-03T19:13:00.005-08:00

So far I'm at 2276/40,000

Last year I got hit with a love for reading for pleasure. Admittedly I was never much of a reader in my childhood days or even through out high school and college. I did the minimum needed to pass a class. I have mild dyslexia and so I would often find myself staring at the same paragraph for over an hour and then realize that I still didn't remember what I had just read.

I never read a fiction (other then school requirements) before the Twilight Series as embarassing as that is. But for whatever reason my interest has been sparked, I'm not overloaded with textbooks to read is part of it too.

I've read over 70 books in the last year and I can't stop. I love reading, be it that I can escape reality for a little while or the fact that I've found books that don't bore me to tears and frustration. Whatever it is I love reading now and I hope I always do.

So when I read about this challenge I immediately jumped on board. I hope some of my fellow readers will join me as well...

My reading goal for 2010 is 40,000 pages. Now I'm hoping to get most of that out of the way before August when I start my Master's degree because then it'll be back to textbooks for a while (at least I'm fascinated by the subject matter or I wouldn't be going back to school).

I'm signing on for 2010 Pages Read Challenge at Secret Dreamworld of a Bookaholic. The Rules:

1) Pick a number of pages you'll be attempting to read in 2010. It doesn't matter whether your goal is 10,000 or 100,000.

2) Write a blog post about it in which you will keep track of your page count.

3) Comment here with your goal number and a link to your blog post (if you have one) to be added to the list of participants.

4) The challenge starts January 1, 2010 and ends December 31, 2010. Only pages read after the new year has begun count in for the challenge, but any and every page you read counts for this challenge.

5) As usual: Have fun!

The button came from here

A look back

2010-01-30T08:52:00.002-08:00

I have recently joined several Goldenhar, Cleft Palate, Microtia groups on facebook and directed them to my blog. So I though it would be good to have a post to direct newcomers to some back story on Abigail.

I don't only blog about her disabilities, because while they are a major part of our lives, I try to focus my attention on other things as well.

I have well over 250 posts so I've linked a few of the more important ones here. Feel free to read as much or as little as you'd like, or use the labels/tags to find specific topics.

Abigail's birth story

Cherry Coke Cleft

Surgery Story

Wordless Wednesday

2010-01-27T08:03:00.003-08:00

Isn't she beautiful?

What To Do With Little Hands

2010-01-25T13:59:00.005-08:00

Today starts what I hope to be a reoccurring theme on my blog... What To Do With Little Hands. Abigail amazes me everyday with what she is learning and I'm continually surprised by what develops out of her curiosity.

Please feel free to join me and post about your little ones creativity.

Daddy so kindly left the new package of paper towels out after returning from the store. Mom needed a roll, so the package was opened. Curious Abby was patiently waiting for us to walk away so she could dive in.

At first, most parents might want to rush in and stop their child from unraveling a new roll of paper towels, one that in this economy affects the pocket book. But I encourage those parents to take a step back and watch the magic of learning unfold right before your eyes.

First Abigail pulled one end and observed that the paper would keep coming and coming...

and coming and coming...

She verbalized "night night" and laid down to pretend to go to sleep.

Then she popped up with a start and said "hi!" Which is what we say in the morning "Hi! Goodmorning" and she always replies "HI!"

The novelty quickly runs off with toddlers. For Abby this game lasted about 5 minutes and only used about 20 paper towels (which we rolled right back onto the roll because they weren't dirty).

If the paper towel game is less then desirable but you really don't want to stifle their learning and independence, you can find alternative activities that achieve the same results. For example if your child only wants to play in the dog water and that creates a headache for you, then as an alternative take them outside on a warm day with a bowl of water or play in an empty bathtub with a bowl of water. Less headache for mom, same great fun for kiddo. Giving negative attention to undesired activities only seeks to draw the child to do that activity more, because it gets a rise out of mom. Ignore things that are not harmful but are annoying, praise and encourage those things that you want repeated.

Oh Where! Oh Where!

2010-01-17T21:14:00.006-08:00

Have the Logsdon's been???

We've been reading a lot of "Goodnight Moon" and "100 First Words"

We've been mostly playing but also doing a lot of fighting with cousin Colston. Abby is having a hard time adjusting to share her mama.

We've been learning a lot of new things.

Like how to multi-task

How to triumphantly amaze all of our doctors and therapists by mastering a straw so soon after surgery.

We've been exploring the children's museum

And having play-dates with our friends Nevaeh and her mom Monica (N a month older about about a foot taller! Wow!)

And mom has been so incredibly mean trying to get me to like sweets such as chocolate cake! Oh how our little ones hates being dirty.

And we've been spending full days at a salon for a little mom time.

If you saw my previous post, you witnessed the culmination of several weeks of frustration, uncertainty and confusion. I thought that staying home and watching kiddos would be the perfect set-up. I quickly learned otherwise. For a few weeks before Christmas I was watching my sister's nephew Jaydon (4) and my newphew Colston (10 months). It was extremely difficult to get all three kids in and out of the car from our 2nd floor apartment, off to preschool for Jaydon then repeat 2 hours later. I looked forward to Christmas break when Jaydon would be home with his mom so I didn't have to drive anywhere. During this time the Guild's School where Abby receives therapy was also on Christmas break. For a period of 2 weeks I didn't drive during the times that I had Colston with us.

It was 2 weeks that about drove me insane because I felt like a caged bird. On New Year's day Jaydon's mom gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. A few days shy of her returning to her job as a teacher. So this meant that I wouldn't have Jaydon again until March. At which time I would also add the new baby.

This is when major glitches in this plan started to reveal themselves. With 4 kids and only space for 3 in my suv, it would mean that I would never be able to get out of the house during the day. This was a major problem due to Abigail's therapies as well. I was hoping to hear that when she started group therapy soon the school would pick her up on their bus. But I found out that they didn't have room on the bus.

So Jaydon's mom and I came to a pretty mutual decision for her to find alternative care for her two kiddos.

With some relief for the future, Andrew and I began to really discuss if staying home was right for our family any longer. I waivered, who wouldn't? It's a tough decision. But ultimately we decided that even though having just Colston and Abigail is easier then all 4, it is still very hard on me. I have made it out to several mom's meetings. But it is a struggle with two. (I know mom's with more kids are rolling their eyes and telling me to suck it up. But for me it is very hard).

I have felt myself spiraling down towards a depression because I feel a yearning for adult and social interactions. I feel a yearning to return to the work force on a part time basis. So that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to stay home during the day and try to find a part time evening/weekend job for a couple days per week. Also I'm going to go forward with the Master's in Speech Therapy program that I've been talking about for months.

It's a scary time to be thinking about returning to work after being home for 17 months. But I'm excited to feel like I'm contributing and have a purpose other then "babysitter."

arg!

2010-01-14T11:23:00.001-08:00

I'm presently going insane and I'm about to quit certain things in my life that are contributing to the insanity!

Sleep Conqured!

2009-12-20T14:05:00.003-08:00

I think Abigail was craving her old sleep routine just as much as we were. The first nap took 45 minutes to get her to fall asleep, that night 30 minutes. She awoke several times Friday night because her motion monitor keep beeping because she was curled up in the far corner and it couldn't detect her movements. So Saturday morning we decided that she's well past the fear of SIDS stage so we took off the motion sensor part. Last night she took 20 minutes to fall asleep and she slept from 9pm to 5am, had a bottle and went back down until 7:30a!

Today she only took 10 minutes to fall asleep for a nap and then slept for 2 hours! The last few weeks we've been lucky to get a 45 minute nap out of her.

So thankful that we're back on track!

sleep continued

2009-12-18T12:46:00.001-08:00

It may have took 45 minutes, but she finally put herself to sleep! Hooray, I'm looking forward to a long weekend of getting over this hurdle!

Sleep deprevation

2009-12-18T12:02:00.003-08:00

Abigail used to sleep wonderfully. We'd do our nap or bedtime routine, lay her down groggy but awake turn on the monitor and leave. She'd fussy for 5-10 minutes and then be out and wouldn't wake unless she was hungry (or nap was over). She'd wake up happy and ready to enjoy the day.

Since surgery however she has fought us to go to sleep. We've let our guilt over her hurting and the scary experience get in the way of our routine. We've caved for going on a month now and brought her into bed with us. It was okay at first because it allowed us all to get sleep. We'd still put her down at night in her crib and then she'd wake up between 2 and 4am for a bottle and then wouldn't want to go back in her crib. So we'd bring her in our room. Between 2 and 4 am, we're zombies.

The last few days however she has put up a fight to go to sleep, won't go down unless we're rocking her or keep a hand on her while she's in her crib. She'll finally fall asleep and then every hour on the hour be up screaming until she gets her way.

Naturally we have sought out every piece of advice we could to find the "right way" to get her to go to sleep and stay asleep. We've been dealt a heavy amount of guilt surrounding our previous 'cry-it-out' technique so we have tried every other method short of bringing her in our bed. We've slept on the chair in her room, on the floor in her room, come in and out every 5 minutes, rocked her, sang to her etc etc.

We're exhausted....no one is sleeping.

So yesterday and today I spoke with her therapists as I do with every week, they like to know what's going on at home and offer some amazing advice and support.

First thing we worked on with OT was the fact that now when we put lotion on her she puts it in her mouth just waiting for a reaction. Unfortunately she's been getting attention in the form of "no!" and "ick" so it's become a game to her. The OT said to ignore all negative behavior and praise the positive behavior. Duh I know that! I have a 4 year degree in early childhood! But sadly when it's your own kid and they're pushing your buttons, all logic goes out the window. That was a good refresher for me and last night when she started with the lotion we ignored and redirected and she didn't do it again. Today with temper tantrums I've ignored and she's stopped.

Right now with nap time, I'm gritting my teeth and trying to ignore the screams and protests coming from the next room. I will not give in, I am the parent, she will be just fine if she cries herself to sleep for a few nights until she realizes we're back to the old routine.

I know that we are excellent parents, we both know that she HAD to have the surgery and though a little emotionally scared she is better for it and someday soon she'll have no recollection of it. And we know that a few nights of screams won't damage her. So any author, parent, or so-called know it all who tries to make me feel bad again for doing what we know is best for our daughter can just stuff it! :)

It's so true...listen to the advice, but be able to decide what's right and wrong for your own family. I have to remember that otherwise I live a life of guilt.

Wordless Wednesday

2009-12-16T12:29:00.002-08:00

What a difference a year makes

Big Helper

2009-12-14T16:57:00.004-08:00

Abigail has taken a big interest in helping Daddy with his tools. When he was putting up Christmas lights a few weeks ago she too a light and tried to stick it in the cable jack (don't worry the jack was covered) and twist it. Then when he was installing a baby gate she go ahold of a small screw driver and put it in the gate at the spot where the screws go.

Last night we brought out a few of her old toys because her cousin is still young enough to get some more use out of them. Abigail went right to work helping daddy.

First she unscrewed the battery door...

Then she helped daddy put the new batteries in...

Then she climbed in to make sure it was safe, she jumped on the seat and pushed the activity area 'just' to make sure they were in securely. he he

Then she tested out the activity gym to make sure her male cousin would enjoy all the pink. This is her clapping in approval which was followed by "up please," she had enough of the baby stuff.

The Great Clean Up

2009-12-13T20:49:00.006-08:00

With three kids running around all day now, and in anticipation of many more new toys being added to the mix after Christmas, I've found myself going a little crazy with the lack of organization of all of Abigail's toys and art supplies. So I locked myself up in her room for several hours today, blasted my Twilight and New Moon soundtracks and got to work.

Here is the before, note toys everywhere

Closet...oi a messy collection of random stuff mixed in with Abigail's things that I threw in there when we moved in, just to give things a home.

I went to the the Dollar Tree and bought several storage containers. The lids have a sucky hold but I figure they'll work for now and they won't frustrate Abigail as much since she'll be able to open them. This is the mid-way progress. After getting some rhyme and reason to the different toys, I was all set to disinfect everything with my brand new bottle of Lysol, only to discover we bought it but it never ended up home....don't get me started on the crap our local Wal-Mart is trying to pull this Holiday season. But I digress, without my trusty disinfectant I decided to go ahead and finish the project and spray everything down tomorrow after I buy and BRING home another $5.00 can.

Then I proceeded to take pictures of all of Abigail's toys...yes it took forever and after about 10 toys I asked myself, "why did I think this was a good idea?"

Fast forward through all the picture-taking, uploading, printing and cutting out and presto! you have labels on everything! Abigail is understanding more and more everyday and following simple directions so I figured, if she'll put stuff away at school she can do it at home too. As and added bonus the pictures help with language development.

Finally after what seemed like hours I was all done and Abigail's room was looking wonderful...that is until I allowed her back in :)

Here's the finished room...(minus the stuffed animals and baby's being put away...that's Andrew's job for this week, to hang the doll hammock)

I failed to get a picture, but when Abigail came in and saw her room she said "wow!" and ran right into her closet and grabbed the basket of balls and signed "play ball." She's such a smarty, I love her!

Hard Times

2009-12-06T18:13:00.003-08:00

I knew living with my mother would be difficult but I never imagined just how difficult it would become.

I'm obviously not going to go into details on my public blog, but I feel it very necessary to start writing again. I've been away from the emotional abuse of my childhood for 8 years and I thought I was getting past all the past hurts. However, being thrown right back into that environment has left me feeling hopeless, depressed and like a failure. I need to start writing again as writing was my solace and my path to healing before. I need to make Andrew understand how badly I need us to go back to a church family. Not every church is what we had in the past, the one that hurt us. I need my Savior as my refuge in my life again. I need to feel His presence if I'm ever going to get through the next few months of living under the same roof as her.

Things aren't good right now. I'm trying to put on a happy face, but inside that is the opposite of how I'm feeling.

I think I just need to get away for a few days, refresh and recharge and be able to see things with a new vision. I'm so scared of falling into the same patterns as my mom with my daughter. I can not become my mother for the sake of my daughter, I can not.

Anxiety

2009-12-04T18:53:00.003-08:00

I don't have any pictures lately because I've had a toddler attached to my hip at all times and hogging my pillow at night. It seams as if the surgery experience as well as last weeks CT and MRI have traumatized our little girl. She has become anxious and clingy and refuses to sleep in crib or even take naps. Tired, doesn't begin to express what Andrew and I are. Not only that but I'm watching 2 more kiddos during the day now too...oi

Anyway, there is a lot of good going on right now too. Abigail is starting to experiment with new sounds. She's is making sound out of her throat though so we've got a lot of work to do with the Speech therapists. Her ST recommended that we fill her stocking with party supply toys like kazoos and whistles so she can practice blowing and that will help her with forming pressure constanants. Her sign language vocabulary has exploded and she really tries to mimic the words.

For record keeping she can sign the following:

more
puppy
cat
up
down
diaper
go
all done
night night
it's time
monkey
eat
help
look
loud/listen
no
yes
on/off
light
baby
bath
car/drive
sit down
church
please

I think I'm missing a few but wow it's that awesome how much she can sign. It's really funny when she puts a few signs together she's told us "eat baby down on." and "sleep puppy church please." She is learning really fast and changing everyday. She's doing a lot of pretend play and nurturing her babies and her cousin, she wants to do more and more for herself and to keep up with the big kids.

We're taking the small things in stride and know that this period of anxiety and lack of sleep will pass. We decided to give up fighting with her to sleep in her crib and brought her in to co-sleep. I know we'll regret that decision when we try to go back to crib sleeping. But we figure a few more days or weeks of reassurance and encouraging the 'big girl' idea and hopefully she'll want more independence again soon.

Surgery Story

2009-11-22T11:18:00.009-08:00

Last Saturday my father in law flew in to Spokane from Seattle and then drove Abigail and I back to Sultan (northeast of Seattle) where we spent the weekend with the inlaws. We went out on Sunday and celebrated my birthday early by dining at P.F.Chang's (yum!). Then on Monday the 16th Abigail and spent the day at Seattle Children's Hospital for a couple of clinic appointments at the surgery pre-op appointment. I was nervous that they would cancel the surgery because she had a stuffy nose, but they didn't.

On Surgery day Andrew, Abby and I spent the morning in Seattle at Pike's Place Market and walking around the streets near Westlake Center.

They have this Monk fish tied to a rope and they try to scare people by pulling it from behind the counter to make it move...Abby wasn't scared, but I was of her reaching right for those razor sharp teeth.

Abby was scheduled to be the last surgery of the day because of her age, most of the surgeons previous patients were cleft lip which is repaired between 4-6 months and a few palates that are repaired 11-13 months, so Abby being 15 months got put at the end.

Here's Abigail playing peek-a-boo with the doctors who are reviewing her chart on the other side of that curtain.

The Anesthesiologist, I can't remember his name right now, but he was wonderful. We met with him the day before surgery and he put my fears aside. They planned for her to be a potentially difficult patient to intebate during surgery, but it turned out that she was easy, her neck fusions posed no obstacle.

In her cute little hospital gown...and still holding onto Grandma's keys

Trying to squeeze into the teeny tiny socks they provided

Dr. Sie, Abigail's surgeon for the Cleft Palate repair and hopefully in the future for her ear.

The surgery was only supposed to last for an hour, so when the second hour rolled around we were all on edge. Finally our pager beeped and we met Dr. Sie who told us that everything went very well. She ended up replacing the tube that was in her left ear and then she spent some time examining her right ear. She discovered that Abby's ear canal is indeed opened on that side when previously everyone thought it was closed. The opening is too small for her to put a tube in, but this is a good sign for her hearing in the future.

Abigail was in recovery for 3 hours. We expected for her to be in arm restraints and to have a few drops of blood from her nose or mouth, but what we saw was far worse and I long for the day when the images of my baby girl in so much pain are out of my mind. I have no pictures of that first night because our focus was to keep her comfortable and calm. When they brought her to us she was covered in blood, her arm restrains were stained with blood the hospital bed was saturated in it. We expected her to be sedated and asleep but she was awake and screaming out in pain (to which we promptly demanded they give her more medicine). She wouldn't let us put her in the crib that night so Andrew and I took turns holding her in the rocking chair for 3 hours at a time. Any slight movement and she would wake and start screaming. She had to re-learn quickly how to breathe and coordinate oxygen flow through her nose and mouth, on top of combat the bleeding and a slight stuffy nose. At one point that night as I was holding her with my eyes glued to the monitors that were checking her heart rate, breathing and oxygen levels, I noticed that she was having trouble breathing. An instant later she was throwing up blood, lot of blood that went all over me, her, the floor, everywhere. I frantically woke Andrew who called for the nurse. She was okay and seemed to feel better immediately after throwing up. Thankfully once the lights were on we all saw that it was old blood that had been draining down her throat. Apparently the body can not digest blood and so throwing up was the only way to get rid of it.

This is how she looked the next morning. Still swollen and groggy but not actively bleeding or screaming.

By mid-afternoon on Wednesday the 18th she was alert and acting more and more like herself. We thought we might get to go home, but it was all dependent on if she would eat or drink anything. We saw a hematologist a few months back in preparation for her surgery and that Doctor stressed the importance of post-surgery hydration to keep her from developing a blood clot, so we took no chances.

Feeling even better we got out of the room for a bit and Abigail's mood started to perk up

She enjoyed relaxing in the hospital stroller and walking all through the hospital for several hours. While Andrew and I kept trying to offer her bottle, to which she wanted nothing to do with.

We ultimately decided to stay an extra night, but sadly Andrew had to fly home to get to work the next morning. So my father in law came to stay the night with us. The hospital staff was adamant that Abigail sleep in the crib that night rather then in our arms. Luckily we had a great nurse who also had a 15 month old and understood how freak out Abigail was and how 'off' of her routine she was. So she came in and tried to make things a bit more comfortable. She turned this...
into this..

And she brought in a play mat so that Abby could relax and enjoy her toys. Unfortunately though she was not about to let anyone put her down while she was still attached to the IV

Grandpa has a way of cheering her up and getting her to play though

She slept well in the crib for 3-4 hour periods and by morning she was signing 'eat' and took some of her bottle and food so they let us go around noon. Abigail was itching to get down a walk so as soon as that IV was out she was running around...obviously feeling much much better.

My father in law and us drove home Thursday afternoon and then he hoped right back on a plane back to Seattle. Abigail has yet to sleep through the night again because she is still waking up for some pain relief and then wanting to sleep in our bed...ugh. But she is feeling and acting more like herself everyday. Her eating has been great, we have to go back to pureed baby foods for 2 weeks but she isn't refusing food and she's able to suck down bottles quicker then ever. She's already able to make new sounds and last night she said "grandpa" ! Wow!!!

We couldn't be more pleased with Seattle Children's and we are so relieved to have this all behind us. The stress has been lifted ten-fold. Now we just have to play the wait and see game regarding her spine to see if she'll need surgery on it, otherwise we hope she'll be surgery free until she's 5-6 years old and they repair her ear. This cleft palate repair has loomed heavy on my shoulders since the day she was born...it is so freeing to finally let it go.

Pre-Op

2009-11-16T19:42:00.004-08:00

Thursday night Andrew came down with a cold and by Friday it appeared that it might be the flu...great. So when Abigail's nose became stuffy on Saturday I was sure that her surgery would be canceled. Thankfully after 5 hours at Seattle Children's Hospital today, that is not the case.

We spent some time meeting more people with the Cranio-Facial clinic since we were added on to the schedule at the last minute on our previous trip, we weren't able to meet everyone before.

One person was the Speech Therapist. We've seen several Speech Therapists in the past 15 months, but never has anyone explained to us the speech delay aspect of having a cleft palate. I know, I know...you'd think that would be discussed, however, most of the focus has been on eating and drinking rather then speaking.

Anyway, I learned today that cleft palate kids are physiologically unable to make the following sounds/consonants: P, B, K, G, D, T, Ng, Y (you know how they sound so I'm not going to write out the phonetics). So this means that Daddy can dry up his tears that she's not yet saying "da-da" because she physically can not do so.

Those sounds are called the 'pressure consonants' and having a whole in your palate inhibits one from creating oral pressure...another reason why she can't use a regular bottle or a straw.

We also met with a Social Worker who talked with me about our family stressors. It's often assumed that Social Workers only deal with placing children in foster care, but in the past year I've learned that their are many different types of Social Work and a few have been great resources for our family.

I don't know if it's due to the current stress of her surgery or a build up since her birth but the Social Worker asked the right question at the wrong time that opened my flood gates. My emotions are right at the surface lately and they spilled and are still spilling over. This is defiantly a tough time for us right now, but I'm confident that Abigail will be just fine tomorrow and for years to come. But it did solidify in me that Andrew and I might need to do some couples therapy so that we can find better ways to cope with the added stress of raising a child with disabilities, because right now the stress has manifested itself into overeating, depression, fatigue and anxiety....no, nothing in the way of relational issues, relax.

After the flood of that appointment we saw the actual Pre-Op team and they cleared her for surgery, stuffy nose and all. The Anesthesiologist was great and reassured me that he'll be careful with her neck. Him as well as her Surgeon (and E.N.T) and 5-6 med students have all been discussing Abigail's conditions at great length and he said he will have ample help and doesn't feel that her neck will pose any problems with intubation.

We're scheduled to check in tomorrow at 2:15pm (PST) with surgery starting around 3:15...please keep Abigail in your thoughts and prayers and I'll keep everyone updated on my facebook as best as I am able to.

Chuck E Cheese

2009-11-12T12:37:00.002-08:00

On Tuesday The Guild's School hosted a party for the kids and their families at Chuck E Cheese. We weren't sure how Abigail would do there, since she is so little.

But she showed us how big she is by feeding herself her pizza

She climbed up some stairs to check herself out in a mirror and go down a slide

She practiced patience and sharing as a big kid tried to steal her turn on the fire truck.

She pointed to tell Daddy what she wanted to do next.

Although He was singing her favorite song "Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes..." she was content just to watch this time.

But ultimately all she wanted to do was sit on the floor in the middle of the gaming area and count her tokens.

Count Down

2009-11-10T13:23:00.004-08:00

Today starts the count-down. 1 week until Abigail's cleft palate is repaired. Andrew is excited about it, he's not excited about the surgery part, but rather about the fact that this will be behind us. I'm still worried, I worry about the surgery and her recovery, what mom wouldn't worry though.

I'm curious to hear her voice afterward because it's likely to sound much different as she learns to correctly push sound out her mouth rather then her nose.

My body is stressed and it's driving me nuts. After Abigail was born my PCOS went away. I for the first time since puberty had regular cycles. But lately it feels like my body is going haywire again. Which causes more stress because it causes me to wonder if I'm pregnant. I'm 3 weeks late now, but after about 35 pregnancy tests, I think I can believe that it's just the stress. It's not that we wouldn't welcome another baby, it's just that the timing doesn't feel right. We've got our hands full with Abby at the moment. Last Friday, I had to take her into the radiologist to have a Gastric Emptying scan. I didn't realize that it meant I was to hold her down on a CT table for 60 minutes while the machine continually ran to follow the passage of food. For a brief moment I thought that I should tell the tech that there was a chance that I could be pregnant. But then I would have been escorted out of the room only to leave Abby screaming after me. I just couldn't do it. That moment made me scared that I wouldn't be able to love another child as I do Abigail. I know most parents have that fear before adding to their brood, so I know it's normal....still feels rotten though.

So for now my attention is focused on Abby, only time will tell what may come.

oh and as a side note...Ann where have you been??? :)

Friends?

2009-11-04T16:13:00.004-08:00

If you ask Jaydon, he'd probably never admit that he likes Abigail or that he's excited about his soon-to-be baby sister, but if you ask me, I think he's growing quite fond of my little one. You decide...

and after a long time of playing chase, they both relax with a drink. But don't tell him that he's laying next to Abby or he might run and go build a barrier of toys to block her from getting near. :)

Goldenhar Syndrome

2009-11-02T16:24:00.003-08:00

We can easily find support groups for cleft palate, but Abby's overall diagnosis of Goldenhar Syndrome is pretty rare so it makes it hard to get support. Many of her doctors have seen other patients with Goldenhar, so I might see about reaching out to them to put together a support group, or try to start my own.

Anyway...it's always nice to come across little gems here and there of others who've walked this road.

Please watch, if you have time....it's 6 minutes

I can't figure out how to embed the video so the link will open YouTube

video

Happy Halloween

2009-11-02T13:21:00.002-08:00

Happy Halloween

Surgery for real this time...

2009-10-27T10:34:00.005-07:00

At 14 months, this month is the one for asserting herself, being independent and creating mischief. We're still battling with the weight gain because she's been having difficulty with chronic constipation, poor appetite and texture issues. Thankfully the constipation is finally under control so she's feeling hungry again and eating a little bit more, hopefully it keeps getting better. Now if only we could learn what the word "no" means and teach her to stop throwing food off the high chair we'd be good.

We just got called from Seattle Children's and they are going to do her surgery on November 17th. It'll be done and over with and we can finally have the cleft palate behind us. She'll be in the hospital for a few days so if anyone wants to come visit we'd love it. :) This time around I'm much more at peace about the surgery, I know she'll be in some of the best hands in the country. Yet I still find myself on edge and stressed about it. Prayers will be needed.

And now for comparison look how much she's grown since last October

Then...

Now....

Seattle Children's

2009-10-20T13:05:00.003-07:00

I'm so glad that we were referred to Dr. Goldberg with the Spinal Displasia team at Seattle Children's Hospital. He is now the new leader of Abigail's medical team because of her overall condition being Goldenhar's Syndrome which affects the bones mainly.

They took about 20 different x-rays and Abigail's curve has improved since June when it was 37 degrees, since she's been walking it's down to 30 degrees. Still has a possibility for the Veptr surgery but for now we're under wait and see with every 6 month check ups and x-rays. Every year we can hold off on the Veptr is a year without 2 extra surgeries. Because once it is in she needs surgery every 6 months to length the rod until she's done growing...praying hard that she never ever needs it!!!!

He was very concerned about the stability of her neck and her ability to undergo surgery next week. Even more concerned that it would have been preformed at a tiny hospital in Spokane. So he called up to the Craniofacial Team at the Hospital and they squeezed us in to see about 15 more doctors. We met with her new surgeon that will repair her cleft palate and she is wonderful. She said that Abby's cleft is so far back (affecting the soft tissue and Uvula area) that there is no reason why she can't have her bottle back immediately! Hallelujah! That lifted about 1000 pound weight off of our shoulders. Now she can self ween when she is ready, no force or cold turkey required. We all suspect that after she's healed up and not in pain that the bottle wont have the same appeal anymore because she'll have the ability to get a good suction from a regular sippy or a straw.

We also discovered that her right wrist bends in so much, not due to bone abnormalities but due to the fact that she is missing some muscles in her hand. Mainly the big muscle in your palm that is attached to the bottom of the thumb. So her fine motor skills are limited, she won't be physically able to pinch or write with that hand as is. So sometime...not sure when she'll see the pediatric hand surgeon to have some reconstruction done to it so that she'll be able to have almost full use of it. Good thing because of how musical she is proving to be we want her to be able to chose instruments to play if she wants.

We got a big fat "absolutely not!" when I asked about enrolling her in gymnastics. Zero contact sports for our little one. So hopefully we can guide her towards music, certain kinds of dance, swimming, track etc etc. Sports that won't put her neck at risk.

Speaking of her neck, she goes back on the day after Thanksgiving (thank God for an excuse to avoid Black Friday shopping!!!) to have and MRI and a CAT Scan. These will get good looks at her spinal cord to make sure that there aren't any pressure points or weak spots from her spinal issues, and they'll look at her facial bones to make sure they are even on both sides and look at her right ear to see if she does indeed have an inner ear. The information from those tests will be very useful for future care.

After those are done we'll be going back again in December or January for her palate repair. Pushing it back will probably keep her held back regarding speech for a few more months but she'll be able to bounce back quickly. And this gives her more time to gain weight (which they helped us with her on going constipation issue so now maybe she'll eat) and she's worth the wait to have it done right. Dr. Goldberg said that he's seen more and more kids with Goldenhar's Syndrome come through his office and the more he sees the more he worries because there are many doctors out there that think they can treat those kiddos and those doctors end up causing a lot of unnecessary damage because they don't know all the delicate intricacies of the syndrome...these kids are not cookie cutter and each case is so different yet similar at the same time.

Oh we are just so happy that she's in good hands, even if it means driving to Seattle all the time, we feel better about Seattle then we did with the Kansas City Children's hospital. Just more proof that moving home was the right thing to do for our family.

I know I haven't posted pictures lately and that's because I haven't been taking any...bad mama! Soon though!

Surgery

2009-10-16T14:02:00.003-07:00

Oh I'm so not ready for this, I knew it was coming up, I know she needs it, but I'm not ready. Are you ever ready hand over your child to a doctor and trust that everything will be okay?

When we moved to Spokane and reestablished new doctors for Abigail it pushed back her cleft palate surgery. Had we stayed in Missouri (Lord help us if we did!) she would have had her surgery back in September. One reason things were delayed here is because her new surgeon wanted to be sure to have a Pediatric Hematologist on board due to her blood clotting condition.

We finally got into see the Hematologist on the 14th and she cleared Abby for surgery. Just stressed the importance of keeping her hydrated to prevent a clot. Also put me at ease regarding her clotting by saying as long as she stays hydrated she probably won't have a clot in her childhood. The danger times are if she becomes immobilized for a long period of time such in the case of a major surgery (knee surgery is the worst for clots) or if she experiences trauma. Other then that she doesn't need to see the hematologist again until she's close to puberty....oh that's something I don't want to think about yet! :)

After that appointment I called the Surgeon's office to let them know how it went and with in 24 hours we had a surgery appointment!

At first they wanted to get her in next Tuesday and I about freaked! She's already struggling with the transition to cup feeding and so I got them to give her 1 more week, the 28th is the date. It's then or it's not until February which would due her more damage in terms of speech and weight gain....so the 28th it is...I'm just going to have to buck up and face this head on.

I've known since the day after she was born that she would need this surgery and approximately when, but I guess part of me was living in this fantasy that and angel would swoop down and fix her palate one day and she'd be all better. Ugh I can't even begin to tell you the nightmares I have been having as this day approaches.

The thing that I struggle with the most is the guilty feeling of how she's going to feel. She's not going to know or understand what is happening and when she wakes up, why she's got restraints on her arms and why she's in pain and....oh I can't even finish because it just causes the tears to well up.

Please keep our family in your prayers...this is going to be a tough couple of weeks but I'm confident she'll be fine.

Would You Act Differently?

2009-10-11T11:10:00.002-07:00

Whenever there is talk of her disabilities to someone new, or even someone close who's known Abigail her whole life the conversation always has the following question asked "But, they (meaning the doctors) are going to fix that. Right?" This is usually in reference to her ear or cleft palate or her spine. After I respond with "Yes, eventually most of her physical deformities will be corrected with surgery. However, not for many years and only time will tell if there is more going on or not." The response is always the same "Well, then it's (meaning the fact that she's disabled) okay."

What if her some or all of her disabilities couldn't be 'fixed'? Would people still act the same and suddenly be okay with her?

This is on my mind a lot lately because I've heard the story of a disabled child several times now, the mom didn't receive prenatal care and refuses to acknowledge that her child is disabled, or so the story goes. Never in telling me this story repeatedly, did anyone sympathize with the child. I've only heard comments such as "so and so's child is much more advanced." and "he's so gross, I don't want to touch him." and worse yet "he's retarded."

Maybe there's more back-story that I'm unaware of that brings out these comments, but to a mom of a child with a disability to hear such comments, burns me to the very core. Do people say such hurtful things about Abigail when we're not around? Does her being 'fixable' make her more tolerable to the general public?

With lack of knowledge comes garbage of the mouth. How often do people go about their day spewing judgment, ridicule and down right hurtful things about passers by, or worse yet, about their own flesh and blood? How many children of disabilities are unloved and given no affection for something that is completely out of their control?

I'm so taken aback whenever I'm exposed to such conversations that I can not get any words out to stop them, to educate them or to down right smack them.

What do other moms do when faced with such ignorance? I've gotten really good with this one: "she has cleft palate." "oh really? You can't even tell." "well, that is because, she does not have cleft lip, she has cleft of the palate...inside the mouth." "oh..I see, I always thought they were the same." I always feel empowered when I've politely educated someone about the differences. And even when I've had to correct people using the derogatory term "hare-line lip" (in reference to rabbits). But sometimes, I'm still stunned and only find the words when it's too late to reply.

Pumpkin Patch

2009-10-07T18:28:00.003-07:00

With the Holiday's approaching, I feel an even deeper gratitude to finally be back home. When I was younger we used to go up to Green Bluff several times a year for their various harvest festivals. Last weekend we took Abigail up for the first time so that she could pick out pumpkins....well so that mom could stage some cute pictures of her with pumpkins :)

We're looking forward to going to Andrew's parents' for Thanksgiving this year and then having both families together at our house for Christmas. This will be the first holiday season that we've been able to share with his family since we were engaged! Very much looking forward to the changing in seasons!

When I get my drink on....

2009-09-28T12:24:00.002-07:00

Well the wedding happened hooray! This past few weeks have been very busy. We've had several bridesmaid disasters. The bridesmaid dresses were an issue from the beginning. With 7 bridesmaids, you can imagine the drama my sister had to put up with and how hard it was to please everyone. It's typically the duty of the matron of honor to pick out the dresses, you know something that would fit for her and then the other girls can deal with it. Well that didn't happen in this case because I refused to be the one complaining, there was enough of that going on already. The dresses ended up being ordered online from China. We all carefully took our measurements and some of us even ordered several sizes too big just in case. Well when they all started arriving just barely 2 weeks prior to the wedding most of them didn't fit.

It started with mine that didn't fit in the bust (surprise surprise). The color came in a fushia pink rather then a pastel pink so it was near impossible to match the color with a store bought dress. So my mom and I set out to make me a dress, thankfully the fabric stores had an almost exact match of color and fabric.

Then the groom's sister's dress came in, she's a little over half way through her pregnancy and her's didn't fit. Luckily she could take mine and have it altered. Then our step sister's dress didn't fit...she's a size 2 and ordered a 4 and it was still about 7 inches too small. I turned that one into a lace up back. 3 of the dresses fit the girls, with one of those needing to be taken in a little. The final dress that arrived merely days before the wedding was too small, the dress that didn't fit the pregnant bridesmaid wouldn't fit either. There was no way to make that one a lace up because the bust was an issue as well. My mom and I labored all night debating if we'd have time to make another dress...this was late Wednesday for a Saturday wedding. Finally Thursday morning after spending several hours at The Guild's School for Abigail's therapies I went looking for more material, my mom, my sister and I all agreed that there just wasn't anymore time to make another dress unless we stayed up for the next 48 hours straight. It wasn't fair to put my mom through it either because she just started a new job and was working late with training.

We decided to have me go out and look for a dress to fit me in a complementing color (the colors were pink and brown). An exhausted Abigail and I ran through Northtown Mall to every store that might have formal dresses. I was pretty shocked that despite it being homecoming season all the formal dresses are summer short length. None worked. We stopped at 2 more bridal stores and finally the last stop I found a chocolate brown dress that would go perfectly. But it was too big so we'd have to take it in. It was a simple fix and I was so done with shopping so I got it.

Later Thursday we altered the dress we made for me to wear to fit the final bridesmaid. Friday we altered it some more. My step sister and I also made my sister's veil during this time, and she also put together hundreds of favor boxes. And my sister and I ran around doing hundreds of errands practically every day for a month. To say we were tired is an understatement!1

We get to Saturday and we're finally there, everyone is getting dressed, only some minor fixes to dresses, and some difficulty keeping 7 bridesmaids and 7 groomsmen all in the same place for pictures, but that didn't matter it was my sister's day and I wasn't going to let anything ruin that. She was a beautiful bride and I'm so happy to have Craig and his family join ours.

I don't have any pictures yet...except for some risque ones of my sis putting on her dress, but I won't share those. All in all it was a beautiful ceremony, no one tripped, everyone was fully clothed and no one got into a fight...hooray.

The reception was good too, it took quite a while for the bride and groom to show up since the photographer was monopolizing them, someone we still don't know who, had the guests start eating before they arrived. And the DJ was more concerned with drinking and hanging out then doing his job so when they finally arrived, most people were in line for food and well it was sort of a bust.

But as the night went on and the drinks keep coming things started to pick up. I had way way too much to drink, but I didn't get sick. No instead I sang karaoke (which if you know me well you know I hate attention so that is completely out of character) and danced around...at least I wasn't the only one :) The grooms mom was pretty toasty too :)

Oh it was fun, and I think everyone will agree, we're glad it's over and happy they are married and on their honeymoon and we don't have any more parties to plan for a long time!!!

Pictures soon I promise

New Stroller

2009-09-19T07:23:00.003-07:00

I've said before that sometimes I find myself a little jealous of other parents of children with disabilities. Especially when they found out about their child's challenges while still in-utero. They often had more time to prepare. To take the time to be though out regarding the baby gear one would need etc. When we were pregnant, we were taking time to crunch numbers and try to figure out how we were going to afford all the gear and my maternity leave.

Most items we bought were second hand or very cheap. Our stroller car seat system was on sale at Kmart when we bought it for $60.00 and while it met all the safety requirements, the stroller just wasn't as supportive as it need be for a growing little girl with back problems.

It has been on my heart for a while to get her a new stroller, but it never seemed like the right time and we really didn't want to fork over $200 for a new system when we no longer need the car seat. Yesterday while at her physical therapy appointment the PT made a strong point about the way she sits and to be sure she is always supported, she mentioned the stroller, car seat, high chair etc. So I had her come out to our car and see Abigail in her stroller and she confirmed my suspicions that her current stroller just was not offering any back support and for the amount of time she's in it (at least 1 hour walk per day) she highly advised a more supportive one.

We were very thankful to find one at a 2nd hand baby store for $75 and it is practically brand new. We're going to clean up our old system and try to sell it on craigslist because it still has a lot of use in it.

old stroller, Abigail often slide to the right and we'd have to constantly adjust her

when she fell asleep the seat didn't recline too much, also it doesn't fully sit upright.

her new car seat has several positions for sitting straight up or laying flat. And it has a 5 point harness to keep her really secure

the shade adjusts to hide the sun a any angle. No more pulling the stroller backwards to block the sun

overall a very happy baby! Oh and look this week she finally started holding the bottle all by herself. It's been a difficult task to master given the extra length of her bottles. Too bad in another month or so we have to say 'bye-bye' to the bottles.

update

2009-09-13T21:23:00.003-07:00

Can you believe she's over 1 year already???

A lot has happened in the last few weeks, Abigail is changing so much I don't even recognize the baby I see in the pictures on the wall.

2 weeks ago she started walking and within about 3 days she became very proficient and now she is close to running. She absolutely loves walking and she giggles the entire time. She thinks it's great that she can chase after the dogs and her cousin oh and go where ever the heck she wants to go.

She has also stared to sign to us so Andrew and I are working hard to increase our sign vocabulary to keep up with her growing interest. The Guild's School uses a lot of sign language and she is very quick to catch on. Currently she can sign: more, eat, all-done, diaper, baby, puppy and head. We're working on: please, thank you, shoes, socks, sit , on, off, up, down, daddy, mommy, grandma, grandpa, ball etc etc.

We've made the decision to really pursue sign language heavily because we don't know how her hearing is going to progress in the next few years before her ear is reconstructed. So we want to be able to give her all the tools we can to help her communicate. If nothing else it's a good skill set to have. Her verbal language is still somewhat delayed and the only word she says is "mama" but she does make a lot of coos and ooh and naas although she seems to be pushing the sound out of her nose. We're curious to hear what her voice sounds like after her surgery.

She has also started to do some pretend play. It was very cute this evening watching her tend to her baby doll, she fed it and gave it hugs and gave it it's pacifier. Andrew said "her play with her doll exhibits the great care she receives from us." Not 1 minute later, Abigail stood up with her doll and threw it! We all roared for about 20 minutes...and I finally told Andrew "let's not put too much weight in to her pretend play vs real life just yet." :)

New Diagnosis

2009-09-02T20:29:00.004-07:00

As promised, I wanted to share a new discovery with all of you regarding Abigail. You may remember her recent Orthopedic visit prior to our move home, at which time it was confirmed that Abigail has 3 vertebra in her neck that are fused together.

Well since we've moved and I've had to reorganize all of her medical records and distribute them to about a zillion people, I came across the doctors notes from that visit. He gave her a diagnosis with Type III Klippel-Feil Syndrome (see here, here and here). It better explains her bone abnormalities and the more research we've done the more it seems that the previous diagnosis of Goldenhar's syndrome may be incorrect.

It's tough to really pin-point one overall diagnosis because she has so many different congenital abnormalities. Some fit into one diagnosis and others into another, some stand alone. So the doctors are now saying "Goldenhar-like syndrome, Klippel-Feil syndrome, cleft palate, and hearing loss."

What it means...only time will tell.

Here's some pictures of Klippel-Feil syndrome and Abigail for comparison

The features aren't as pronounced in this picture of Abigail as in the boy above, but when she is sitting without a shirt on you can see how her neck is shorter and the curve in her back. At her baby stage it is harder for most people to notice her neck....I only hope that stays the same as she grows. Her range of motion is limited in her neck and now we know why.

So there ya have it, our little girls list is getting longer and longer and we still don't know why or what caused it....that's the hardest part.

Identity

2009-09-02T13:42:00.003-07:00

Some days, I feel like all I am is a vehicle upon which to be run over....

I'm sure all mom's go through this feeling, that you give and give and give and at the end of the day you have to give more and have your ears blown out by screaming and be bruised from kicking and all you want to do is have 1 night of uninterrupted sleep, and 1 day to yourself.

Some days, being at home is really hard and I contemplate going back to work at least part time. I feel utterly worthless some days and as if my contributions are a measly pebble in sea and completely unappreciated.

Today is one of those days.

okay okay

2009-08-31T18:19:00.003-07:00

So I doubt anyone reads this anymore, I've been seriously neglecting this blog. I still come by to read all of your entries though.

Life has just become about 100x busier then it's been in a very long time. Now that schools are getting back into session I see some stability and routine reappearing into my life.

I've been watching NIL (nephew-in-law) for a few days now and it's going great. Soon I'll be adding my nephew to the brood as well. Abigail is settling nicely with her new doctors and therapists and I know I've said it before, but I'm amazed at the superior level of care she is now receiving. A few days ago the cleft team nurse coordinator gave me a caloric need to aim for with Abigail. No one has ever done that, other then boost her formula, but never said "she needs x amount of calories per day to gain weight." I guess I can see why it's not common practice to mention such a thing to parents because some might go to the extreme and think "he's eaten enough for today." But come on! For over a year I've been begging and pleading for help in the feeding and weight gain department, this could have helped.

Anyway she needs a minimum of 800 calories per day to gain weight. It may seem like a lot but it goes without saying that babies need more calories per kg of weight then adults do. So for a few days I calculated her "typical" intake and she was only getting about 650-700. She doesn't take in very much volume and quits eating often before we've begun. So we were given a list of high calorie recipes and ways to sneak in extra calories. Things like butter, whipping cream, egg salad, avocado, pudding, custards, etc. So in the last couple of days Abigail's caloric intake has increased up to 1100! I joke that I'm slathering her with butter and she'll be big enough to be our 'butter ball' for Thanksgiving :)

I'm actually quite glad that her surgery is delayed for now, I'll feel a bit more at ease if she's got some extra padding on her before going through all of that.

Last week she weighted 16lbs 14oz and we discovered that she is 27 inches on the right and 27.5 inches on the left (finally it makes sense why her height would change from one doc to the other in the same week). A week prior she was 17lb 10oz but she had been constipated for close to 2 weeks so that weight was off. The docs aren't too concerned with where she's at because she is proportionate height, weight, and head and she's stayed on her stead 5th percentile curve.

Coming up I'm going to blog about a new diagnosis that she has and what it means...so come back :P

Time to Unwind

2009-08-24T07:40:00.003-07:00

The last month has been a whirlwind. Since we got into town on the 4th it was been non stop for us, between unpacking, job hunting, party planning, Abigail's appointments and this past weekend a trip to Seattle. We're all ready to camp up inside for a week just to unwind. Unfortunately that's not possible. Tomorrow I start watching a 5 year old, I guess you could classify him as my 'Nephew-in-law" he's my future Brother in laws nephew. And as soon as my sister has a job lined up I'll be watching her son as well.

I've contracted an infection from a loose tooth so I have been either in pain or hopped up on pain pills for the last week, so I'm really hoping to feel better by tomorrow morning.

Anyway, Andrew got a job last week, he's making more than he's made for the past 4 years so yea!

I promise to update more now that we're settling down.

2009-08-13T08:34:00.004-07:00

Well we are finally getting settled in here in Spokane, WA. It does still feel like we are on vacation and just waiting for our plane to arrive and take us back.

It's been a tough few weeks. Abigail did great on the drive but she had some really bad constipation for the week after and it seems to finally be passing. Consequently thought she didn't gain any weight in almost 3 weeks.

Also the few jobs Andrew had lined up decided to take their sweet time to process him so he still hasn't started working yet, but he's going in for a 2nd interview this afternoon and he pretty much has that job already...formalities. Hopefully he'll start working tomorrow.

Financially we're doing great, it was stressful for a few days because it didn't appear that money we were counting on was going to come in. However it all worked out. I really need to work on not freaking out and just trusting that everything will work out. It's my biggest fault...seeing things half empty and near catastrophe.

We met with The Guild's School several times and we couldn't be happier with the level of care that Abigail is going to receive. The only bummer is having do drive across town twice a week but she is more than worth it. They were the first to do a developmental assessment of Abigail's abilities. Here's what they came up with:

Cognitive score: 12-13 months
Speech score: 6 months (this is mostly due to hearing loss, cleft and difficulty feeding)
Fine Motor (occupational therapy): 6-8 months
Gross motor (physical therapy): 11-12 months, they really struggled with qualifying her for PT because she moves so well. But they decided that she does so well as a result of ongoing PT and due to her bone issues they don't feel comfortable dismissing PT...thank you!

So she'll be getting Speech, OT and PT once per week and the level of care is about 1000% better than she's ever received. This is the first time that I've been educated by the therapists regarding her conditions versus the other way around. Relief!

We also had the Spokane County Cleft Palate Nurse Coordinator come out to our house and she really helped us with "inside information" regarding the local surgeons and so we'll be changing our plan and seeking out a different one than the one we had scheduled. We've had fear instilled in us from the very beginning that after the surgery Abigail would not be allowed to have a bottle, spoons, sippy cups, chunky foods etc for up to 3 months. We've worried about her weight and going backwards with her progress. We've stressed that having to force an open mouth cup on her was scaring her and inhibiting independence. Well the nurse helped us a lot and suggested a certain sippy cup with a soft collapsible nipple vs the plastic ones. She also suggested making the switch to pediasure and she encouraged us that Abigail was eating enough solids for her size and coached us on how to slowly increase her intake in a way that she wont refuse.

So this morning Abigail was given a big treat (in her eyes), we gave her a brand new sippy cup and chocolate Pediasure. She absolutely loved it and it was the first time she could do it all by herself because her bottles are so long they are hard to control. She lounged out for a long time drinking her milk and giggling. All morning she has been energetic and playing independently. That's a big change because she has been really clingy lately (partly due to the move). But it just feels as if she's so excited to be a 'Big Girl' now!

bad blogger

2009-08-06T16:29:00.000-07:00

I know I'm a bad blogger, I don't have internet right now except for down the street at Starbucks. I feel liberated by not having it actually.

I'll post again soon. But for now, we're safe and sound in Washington, lots of unpacking and party planning happening.

Wordless Wednesday

2009-07-29T15:31:00.001-07:00

Furry encounters

2009-07-28T14:45:00.004-07:00

The other day we took a much needed break from packing and headed about 40 miles west to a small county fair. When we arrived we discovered that it was opening day but it wasn't technically opening until much later that evening. We still got to walk around and look at the animals which Abigail loved.

Abby has been dowing this funny expression everytime she is presented with something new. First she smiles really big and then she throws her head back as to back away from it all the while keeping a huge grin and sticking the tip of her tongue out as to taste the air.

So when a lady offered for Abby to touch the bunny she got very excited and threw her head back with a squeel and a dose of reservation.

The lady held the bunny to Abby's skin and she loved it.

Finally she reached out and touched the bunny with great joy

And then she looked to me to share her excitement.

Cheap turned Gourmet

2009-07-18T13:56:00.004-07:00

One of Andrew's favorite past times is coming up with new recipes (though he refuses to write them down) and trying new beverages. Recently he bought two bottles of very cheap vodka and ran it through an old Brita pitcher about 5-6 times. After that it was expensive quality vodka. But he didn't stop there. He took out two big jars and filled one with lemon slices and the other with blueberries, poured in the vodka, sealed and put them in a dark cupboard for a week. When the week was up he strained and funneled the vodka back into it's original bottles.

Now we can enjoy a refreshing summer cocktail that tastes expensive when it was really cheap to make.

Looks refreshing huh?

What it all comes down too

2009-07-18T07:39:00.003-07:00

Many people are wondering why we moved to Missouri and why we are moving to Washington only 9 months later.

To understand, I must explain the situation back when Abigail was about 1.5 months old. There we were in Twin Falls, ID, we both loved out jobs, but I had to cut back to part time because Abigail's needs and appointments were so high. Andrew was near the end of his contract and with the economy and talks at the station we weren't sure if his contract would be renewed and for how much.

The process of applying for a TV job is frustrating, you send out hundreds of demo tapes and maybe one station will call you. That's what happened both times. So when Andrew got the offer for the station here in Joplin, MO we jumped on it because we weren't certain as to when or if another offer would come around.

The new was only 5k more then his current job but the cost of living down here was much less and with me going back to school, we thought we could handle it.

We did realize that moving so far away from family would be hard, but we had lived far away for many years already so again, we thought we could handle it. But a baby changes everything.

Now fast forward to last spring, we had been living in Joplin for a few months. Andrew's work schedule was ever changing leaving us no opportunity to meet people other then a few schoolmates/co workers because we could never plan for a babysitter or for a couples get together. Andrew was getting burnt out on reporting and desired the ability to just do weather. He grew tired of working so hard for very little pay off in hopes that one day the big contract would come. And the reality that we were actually bringing in less money down here then when we lived in Twin Falls hit and we took a deep hard look at our hearts. We missed home, for 4 years all we've talked about is moving back to Spokane, WA and yet each year we'd get further and further away.

Now we had a baby, we hadn't been on a date just the two of us since before she was born. We realized that our family really didn't know our daughter and there are many family members that we've grown away from and that we miss.

We discussed and prayed and discussed some more for several weeks. Then we made the decision, we need to move home, we need the support system and we need to start making some better money so that we can get out of debt, buy a house and invest in our future. This was back in March.

Andrew knew he'd have to break his contract, which he could do as long as he didn't take another TV job for the life of the contract (until 12-2010). He is okay with doing so, he wants a break from the industry and when he gets back in, he's going to be much more selective with his applications and try for a full-time weather position rather then the half weather half reporting.

I'm really sick of people thinking that this move is all my decision and that I'm somehow destroying Andrew's dreams. Nothing could be further from the truth. We are a united team, we made this decision together and anyone who thinks otherwise is nuts.

We know that the skeptics will calm down once we've moved and they see that it was the best thing for us emotionally and financially. It's just frustrating when the people closest to you, who should be your support are often your biggest critics.

To all those in the Northwest, we'll see you in two weeks

Growing up

2009-07-16T15:11:00.005-07:00

I was going to post this on the 14th which was her 11 month day but for the past 72 hours I've been doing nothing but working on my Sister's Bridal Shower invites. Now that those are done and fabulous I might add, here's for your enjoyment....

Abigail's unofficial (because it was taken on the wii fit board) is just shy of 18lbs and 25.5 inches long.

She reached a new phase this past few weeks where she has stranger anxiety now and she wants nothing more than to be held by mom and dad. This is especially hard at night when she's screams in her crib more so then ever. Any advice?

She still isn't talking much, other than "mama" but she'll get there. She's crawling better and so close to walking. She'll take the first step, stand for awhile and then realize what she's doing :) I bet she'll be walking by her 1st birthday.

Pictures next to her dog are a very big challenge anymore, and I don't dare take them while she's sleeping or she'll wake up.

Daddy dressed me today! (her shirt says Lady Cougar in training)

Mommy made my outfit more acceptable :)

Tribute to Michael Jackson

Exactly 1 year ago 7-14-08, exactly 33 weeks pregnant.

Shaping up and Shipping Out

2009-07-10T08:40:00.003-07:00

It's hard to believe that it is already the end of the 2nd week in July. The last 4-6 months have gone by so slowly. Ever since we made the decision that Missouri is not for us and we were going to head on home, times seems to have stopped. Yet at the same time our little girl continues to grow at lightening speed.

Things are shaping up quite nicely for when we finally arrive in Spokane, WA the first week in August. Andrew has several job opportunities lined up, he just had to do some face to face interviews and we hope he'll be able to start with a temp agency that first week until he decides what direction he wants to pursue.

I have made the decision not to continue schooling. I was pursing a 2nd Bachelor's in Nursing, however after going back for the past 2 semesters I've realized that at this point in my life, I have very little desire to spend endless hours studying. I'd much rather be playing with Abigail, curling up with a good book, knitting or getting outside. Plus the prospect of taking on more student loan debt loses it's appeal when you realize how long it'll take to pay off.

But nothing is lost. My plan was to continue staying at home with Abigail until late September because we have her birthday, my sisters Bridal Shower, her Wedding, Andrew's 10 year reunion and Abby's surgery and all coming up promising to keep me very busy. Then I was going to look for a part-time job so that I could bring in just enough to double up our car and another debt payment.

However this week the opportunity came up for me to continue to stay at home with Abigail and yet still make some money. I'll be watching my Sister's son (my nephew) and her sister in law's 5 year old boy and later this winter their newborn. Depending on how things go with the 3-4 I may or may not take on 1 more child. I have to check the state's ratio rules first.

So once we get settle in I'm going to go and get my child care license renewed since it's been expired for years. Several people have said "but I thought you didn't like working with kids anymore." To that I have had to quietly sigh, roll my eyes because to me the answer should be obvious, and explain...

After suffering 2 miscarriages I had to quit working with kids, it was too hard. After the 3rd miscarriage I could barely be in the same room with kids. Especially kids who were the age that mine would have been, to see how they were growing up and what they were doing. It made my heart break, the dreams I had for my babies, stopped dead in their tracks. Abigail has mended my broken heart. I'm okay now. I won't deny that I still feel sadness when I see a now 5, 4 or 3 year olds, but then I just squeeze Abby and drink in her scent and I am okay.

I am so excited to reach Spokane and have our plans for the future spring boarded forward. We're able to take steps necessary to sure up our financial futures to correct the mistakes of our youth and to refocus on our family. Debt bares a heavy load, I'm so excited to break free of those chains in the next few months. To finally buy a house with in a year. Maybe even to have another baby soon :)

The 4th

2009-07-04T16:48:00.003-07:00

This morning we got up early and drove to a small town for a 4th of July parade. Andrew and a few talents were to be in the parade since his station was a main sponsor. Before we left home it was sprinkling so we made sure to have blankets and such to keep Abigail warm and dry. When we arrived Andrew and his co-workers were whisked away to their place in the parade. Abigail and I walked a few blocks to the parade route. By this time it was raining a bit more. I found a nice covered place for us to sit and watch. Good thing I did because by the time the parade started we were in a massive down pour and lots of people were crowding our little dry spot. All in all we stayed dry during the parade and it Abby had fun watching the 20 minute small town event.

We saw Andrew and his crew go past, visibly soaked through their clothes. After the parade I covered Abby back up and ventured out in to the rain to make the trek back to our car. Just as I was starting to get soaked, Andrew and his crew drove by again heading toward our cars and he yells "sorry honey!" :) I guess the guys were teasing him that he'd be in trouble for having us out in the rain..."It's gonna be a crappy ride home Mr. Logsdon." But we were fine, other than having to witness a new mom holding her brand new baby in one arm and a lit cigarette in the other, it wasn't too bad.

A little chilled and soaking wet, it was nice to come home, get into sweats and have a lazy day. Andrew has to do the weather tonight so we're not going anywhere to watch the fireworks. It's past Abby's bedtime anyway. I'll likely sit on the porch and watch the neighbor kids set them off.

I think Abby enjoyed a lazy afternoon. I don't know where my baby has gone, she's such a big kid now. In the last few days she has started taking that first step. Ever since we got her some good supporting shoes she stands up unsupported and has become a lot more daring with her movements. Soon she'll be walkin!

Done and Done

2009-07-03T05:59:00.005-07:00

I finally finished knitting a sweater that I started back in December. I was supposed to be a quick knit up but being my first sweater there were bound to be some mistakes along the way. I think I ended up pulling the body all out and starting over at least 4 times. After that part was finally correct I started on a sleeve and after one was all finished I noticed that I made a pretty noticeable mistake up in the shoulder. Where I picked up stitches and started the shoulder I should I used the knit stitch like the entire sweater was in but for some reason that one little row was purled. I contemplating just repeating the mistake on the next sleeve to make it look like it was supposed to be like that but when I tried it on and saw the correct shoulder decrease line and then this horrible looking row of purling right across my bicep, I decided that once again a portion would have to be started over.

Frustrated at that point I stuffed the sweater into my knitting bag and banished it to the attic for the next 4 months. I then focused some quicker projects on a pair of slippers for my Mother in Law, socks for my Sister in Law (so upset I forgot to take the finished picture), a pair of booties for Abby, that she promptly outgrew a week later, a shawl for me, and I'm still working intermittently on a pair of socks for me.....See the lovely pictures

Pattern: Kaity Von Rader's Slippers as Featured on a Knitty Gritty
Yarn: Lionbrand Homespun

Pattern: Basic Knit 4, Purl 4 tube
Yarn: Oi I can't find my label but it was some sock yarn from Hobby Lobby

Pattern: The wildly popular Saartjes Booties
Yarn: Same as above (left overs)

Pattern: My own (I should write it down)
Yarn: left over LionBrand Homespun from MIL's Slippers. This outta be nice and warm this winter. (Shown here worn as a scarf but it really a shawl)

STILL IN PROGRESS
Pattern: Self Stripping Knit Socks by Coats & Clark
Yarn: Red Heart Heart & Sole w/ Aloe

After all that I strummed up enough courage and stamina to pull out my sweater again. Even though the hot 100 degree weather is no time for a warm sweater, I was determined to be able to cross it off of my list of "to-do's," and hang it in my closet to swoon over until winter. I worked slowly on the sleeves and the finishing to make sure there were no more mistakes. Happily it turned out great. I can't wait for winter now. And I have enough yarn left over I might make a pair of mittens or a purse or something...not to wear at the same time though, I think that'd be too much of the same pattern. Enjoy

Pattern: Roxi in Not Your Grandmothers Knitting
Yarn: Lionbrand Landscapes Color: Rose Patch

Now that I have a sweater under my belt my new few projects I am going to work on some lace and cables to advance my skill. I'm also on the look out for info about creating my own patterns. I'd love to make something custom. Someday.

Volunteer?

2009-06-27T12:11:00.001-07:00

Is there anyone out there who would be so kind as to tweak my banner for me? I like the design but I'd like to add some pictures to it and I suck at Photoshop. Any takers???

Hum drum

2009-06-22T09:27:00.004-07:00

Blogging...we'll I haven't much felt like blogging lately because I haven't felt that anything of significance has really been going on. And the trend of blogging lately seems to be "don't blog unless you have a picture (preferably pictures) to post" and we'll I haven't been taking many lately mostly because my batteries died and my recharger isn't working right. I also have been avoiding the computer because miss Abigail has decided that despite a room full of toys, by far the funnest one is the toy mommy is playing with. :)

So what is going on in the Logsdon household? Well we are successfully procrastinating at packing for our upcoming move...do you blame us? It's funny but I seriously can not for the life of me remember packing our house when we moved out of Idaho in November...mommy brain? I remember loading the truck...er watching the truck get loaded, and I remember the 4 day drive across country but I don't remember packing. Weird.

While I'm not packing, I am also planning Abigail's 1st birthday party (oh my gosh I can't believe she's almost 1), and I'm planning (with the help of 6 bridesmaids) my little sister's Bridal Shower and Bachelorette parties, and I'm working on corrdinating all of Abigail's doctors and therapists in Washington and her upcoming surgery and my sisters wedding and I'm sure there's more but I'm exhausted just listing all that!

Yea, things are busy, even if it does feel like I never get out of the house anymore! The life of a stay at home mom :)

Now to make sure I fulfill the picture requirement:

She loves looking at her daddy!

Orthopedic Follow-up

2009-06-16T11:17:00.001-07:00

Well Abigail's follow-up orthopedic appointment didn't go as well as we had hoped. She had another x-ray and the curvature of her spine has worsened. Back in February she had a 33% curvature and now it's 38%. That may not seem like much but it is quite a bit for a 4 month span. It's odd to us because now that she's standing and crawling from the outside her spine appears straighter to us. That's at least a good sign that her outward appearance isn't being affected yet.

The doctor said that when she's 1.5 to 2 years old they'll need to do a surgery to put a rod along side of her ribs to straighten her spine. Here's info on it
http://www.childrenshospital.org/clinicalservices/Site1171/mainpageS1171P4sublevel10Flevel12.html

Bracing from the outside won't help in her case because her bones are deformed and growing improperly. Bracing is for those who have normal bones but need posture corrections.

The xrays also confirmed that she has 3 neck vertebrae that are compressed making her neck appear shorter, he said that it's unlikely she'll grow out of that. At least for now the only people that can see a short neck are the doctors, so we'll just have to see how things play out as she grows.

We're not happy about another surgery to add to her ever growing list but we'll roll with it.

We're working on getting her set up with Seattle Children's, I know that Andrew's Aunt Lois (a NICU nurse in Spokane) suggested a Cleft palate doctor in Spokane but with all of Abigail's conditions we feel better about having her go to Seattle where she can get some of the best care and all in one place rather than multiple specialists. And since they are a research hospital and everyone is so fascinated with our little girl, we wanted to make her available for research. And of course it gives us more excuses to visit Grandma and Grandpa Logsdon more often :)

A Place

2009-06-12T18:58:00.003-07:00

It is such a relief to finally have a place to live lined up for when we move home. We're lucky to be able to move in with my mom for a while to help us get back on our feet. The problem was trying to find a place big enough for 3 adults, a baby and 2 dogs. We ideally wanted a house with a fenced in yard and a finished basement but a majority of the available homes were very run down, asked for astronomical pet fees and deposits or were actively listed for sale.

We ended up finding an apartment complex that has converted several units into duplexes that are basically 2 apartments combined into one big one. So we're giving up a yard, but our lazy couch-potato dogs only go out to 'go' anyway, and in exchange we're getting a really big place that will give Andrew, I and Abby the entire upstairs and my mom downstairs so we'll all have our privacy.

The best part is that it's less than 5 minutes to my sisters house!

Now we just need to find jobs! Thankfully we'll be okay should it take a while to obtain them. We've also decided that we really value being able to keep Abigail home with us so one of us will get a full time job...ahem I hope it's Andrew, and the other will be part time.

Hooray! The wheels are finally in motion!

Patience

2009-06-09T18:53:00.002-07:00

I don't have it.

I know I need it.
I'm continually in the process of trying to achieve it.
I continually fail at having patience.

Am I the only one who struggles with it?

A Girl and Her Ducks....

2009-06-05T13:16:00.010-07:00

A new obsession has taken root in the Logsdon household...the obsession with ducks! It all started one afternoon shortly after nap time. Mommy and baby were playing with some beans, experimenting with a new texture and hiding and discovering some toys. Mommy brought out some rubber duckies from the bath toys and that's when it the obsession began. Mommy hid a duckie under some beans and suddenly screams and tears broke out! Baby was soooo mad....until that is duckie reappeared, 'Magic!'

Ever since then Abby has pretty much held on to a duckie morning, noon and night....

Bathtime suddenly became fun one day when we blew up the duckie bath and started each bath with a "quack quack quack quack quack" from Mrs. Duck. Mrs. Duck has graciously allowed Abby to give her little ducklings baths too. She eventually agreed to let her little ducklings out of her sight to go and play with Abby.

Abby took Big Sister Duck to the pool, but she wasn't so happy to let Big Sister Duck swim

Baby ducks help Abby play music

And they don't seem to mind being chewed on to help those teeth of Abby's come in

Abby was NOT happy when her Mommy hid a baby duck in the slinky!

Duckies go on walks with Abby. Although, there have been a few times where we ended up at home sans duckie and had to send Daddy out to retrace our steps. We wouldn't want to leave duckie outside all night, especially not with all the neighborhood dogs and cats!

Sometimes, it takes 2 duckies to help Abby to stand up.
And Lord help Mommy and Daddy if they forget to leave a duckie in the crib at night!

Busy ducklings that's for sure!

Vacation Mode

2009-06-03T16:24:00.002-07:00

We hardly watch any TV in the summer unless it's a Mariner's game, which we rarely get down here anyways and if we do the start time is 9-10pm our time. We often talk of canceling our TV service for the summer months but because we're Dish Network customers we're under a contract (seems like most companies are holding people to stupid contracts these days). Anyway today we found out that Dish offers Vacation Mode. Vacation Mode turns off your service but doesn't cancel your commitment so you're not charged the astronomical $300 early termination fee. Vacation Mode costs $5 per month and you can be on it for up to 6 months. So we're thinking about going for it, it'll save us some money on something we're hardly using anyway. We just have to get over that initial "but what if a good show comes on" hold that TV tends to have on us :)

I remember from working at Qwest years ago that they offered this same thing, as many of their customers were elderly and would head south for the summer months (heh sounds like a flock of birds) they'd put their phones on vacation mode and it wouldn't cause them to lose their phone numbers.

So if you're looking to save a little money or give yourself some extra motivation to get out of the house this summer call your luxury utlity companies and see if they offer "Vacation Mode."

Books

2009-06-03T14:54:00.002-07:00

I think I'm the only one in the world who hasn't read the Harry Potter or Twilight Series books. For some reason, lately, I have found myself wanting to read them just so I can know what all the fuss is about. Who knows, I might find them enjoyable.

Problem is that they're all rather expensive, they're not at our local library and we're sitting on a very tight budget with me not working and our upcoming move.

So for now, I'll just wonder and wish....unless someone decides to let me borrow their copies???

Until then, Abigail keeps me pretty busy. I get to claim her first word as "mama" which comes out more like "ummmmama" she's so cute and she loves making this new noise, so much so that it is followed with about a minute of "hu hu hu hu hu ha ha hu hu ha"

God I love my life! :)

Scatter-brained Sunday

2009-05-31T15:03:00.003-07:00

For the second edition to scatter-brained Sunday I bring you these ramblings:

I'm finding myself pretty bored these days, I was looking for a part time position for the summer, but I haven't gone forward with any thing because I'd feel guilty accepting a job knowing that we're moving in 2 months. Andrew has been working the night shift a lot recently since the Chief Meterologist's wife just had a baby. I normally dislike him working the night shift, but that was when I was in school in the mornings so I felt like I never saw him. But this time around we've been enjoying family outings and when Abigail is at daycare we've enjoyed a few dates.

In my spare time (ha, I feel like all I have is spare time right now) I have been doing a lot of reading. I just finished The Friday Night Knitting Club and absolutely loved it, I have the sequel Knit Two and plan on starting it later this week after I finish The Gabriel Method.

I have also been doing a lot of thinking and meditating. Meditation takes a lot of practice to be able to quiet your mind of all the distractions and inner dialogue and instead tune it to what really maters in life. I have realized recently that I need to cut back and eliminate things that cause my thoughts and emotions to take a left turn. Things such as reading others blogs and watching certain tv programs have had very ill effects on my moods. I know that one of my flaws is that I internalize things and I have a very hard time letting things go or just roll off my back. Last week for example, I watched The Hills and Jon & Kate +8 . By the end of the night my mood had completely shifted and I went from sad to depressed to angry to anxious etc. all because of some stupid tv shows!

I've spent far too much time trying to fill my life up with everything other then what my life was really craving. As I was reading a chapter in The Gabriel Method I was confronted with the need to let go of the past in order to move on to the future, I needed to forgive and receive forgiveness. I sat for a few moments trying to remember the last time I meditated in The Word or in the presence of God, then a little voice inside of my head said "if you have to try and remember when then it's been too long." So true. I sat quietly forgiving and receiving forgiveness, I felt at literal pull of energy escaping my body and and instant calm and soothing feeling sweep across my body and I knew my God was embracing His prodigal daughter (Luke 15: 11-32).

With feeling uneasy and restless in my soul with another impending move coming up, a renewed faith and trust is just what I needed!!

Our move is only 2 months away! We're finally, for reals this time, actually moving home!!! We're so excited most of our conversations lately include "It'll be great when we can _______ in Washington." or "I can't wait to visit _______ again, in Washington." It feels as if we are finally going to rejoin our hearts that stayed in Washington while we roamed around for the past 5 years. We pretty much have a house lined up already we're just tying up the loose ends. But the stress of finding jobs is growing, we have faith, we've never been without when in need so we know God will provide. We're starting to line up Abigail's doctors and therapies as well as plan her 1st birthday which is 2 weeks after we arrive and her surgery the following month. It's going to be a busy summer but it already feels like it is dragging. All in due time right?

From today at one of the city pools. Abby enjoyed watching but not so much participating :)

Scatter-brained Sunday

2009-05-24T16:30:00.004-07:00

-We skipped church today because we've had somewhere to go every day since before our vacation and we all just needed a day at home. It was wonderful and we got a ton accomplished.

-I started my morning with Jillian and then a yummy breakfast of whole wheat blueberry waffles, cherries, blueberries and strawberries and a homemade latte.

-We decided to pre-cook a bunch of meals today for the sake of time later. Today we made whole wheat spirals & meatballs (I was out of spaghetti), mac & cheese for Abby, Tofu Tacos, BBQ hot dogs and hamburgers and 2 loaves of Peanut butter-Chocolate chip-Banana bread

-The problem with all the cooking....dishes! I've ran the dishwasher 8 times today! "Bad environmentalist...bad!" Oh and yes that's how many bottles we go through each day...Abby drinks 5 overall but a few are used for mixing formula with food and sometimes she's stubborn and only wants half a bottle and then the other half 2 hours later, which requires a new bottle.

-I also did about 6 loads of laundry today, which I know is nothin compared to what most of my readers do in a day. I can imagine the TexasTshirigis have a lots of laundry lately with 6 kiddos...one of which is a teenage girl...yeah they have a lot more laundry then us I'm sure :)

-We rearranged the living room furniture today. Andrew always teases me when I get 'the itch' to rearrange. Growing up, my mom was rearranging furniture every couple of weeks, at the time it was annoying to push the couch here and there, but the change always brought a refreshing and new feeling to the room. It still has the same refreshing feeling to me and Andrew always appreciates the new arrangement as well. His parents house is the same as it has always been.

-Abigail has been a bear to put to sleep since we got back from our vacation, she got used to either sleeping in my arms on the plane or sleeping in the same room as me. Now she just screams and screams until I come in and rescue her. I know you moms are shaking your heads and saying "You can't give in, just let her be." Believe me I try, but she in the past has screamed like that when she has rolled to one edge of the crib and got stuck between the bars, so that's always my fear that she is stuck. Well I learned tonight that she is very capable of 'unsticking' herself...that lil rascal. Momma needs to be strong.

-After she finally fell asleep I got to work on spray painting a shelf for her...stay tuned.

-And I took a moment to enjoy the beautiful evening sky before getting started on folding all 6 loads of laundry...you'd think that I'd just do it 1 load at a time as it came out of the dryer, but nope, not possible while miss thang is awake and crusing all over the place...nope can't turn your back on her for a second anymore.
-Now I'm finally relaxing, looking over pictures and purings the job openings in Spokane. There are several that we're going to be applying to this week...wish us luck.

-And now to end this episode of 'scatter-brained Sunday' Abigail's 9 month bear photo...

she had just woken up and apparently slept face down, she had a big ol red mark down the front of her face. So I had daddy distract her :)

Self image

2009-05-23T18:36:00.004-07:00

Okay so maybe the person I see in the mirror or in pictures isn't as "fat" as I thought. Today while "window shopping" at the mall I tried on a skirt, I didn't look at the size when I picked it up, I just did the 'hold up to body' test and it looked about right. I tried it on and it fit, not just a barely fit, but a loose fit. I looked at the tag and it was a size 12!!!! OMG!!! I haven't been a 12 since Andrew and I got married!!! The last time I bought clothes was a few days postpartem which was in hindsight a horrible idea and was probably the reason why I've been so depressed about my weight since then. That day...I believe I was 5 days postpartem, I had just had a c-section and I was sick of maternity clothes, I wanted 'real jeans'...that day the only thing that fit around my waist was a size 20 pair of jeans. yikes! I can't believe I admitted that. Oh well who cares I'm in a 12 now!!! Yea so I bought that skirt and 2 pairs of jeans to boot! happy dance happy dance!

I'd like to thank Jillian Michaels' 30 day Shred for this achievement.

But I'm not stopping there, I still have another 20-30 I want to lose, but now I feel it's achievable!

Back

2009-05-21T11:18:00.005-07:00

Well overall the trip home was successful. The only part that sucked was the 4 flights home and having to recheck my bags 3 times and pay the baggage fees 3 times. Other then that it was good, saw over 100 people at least, good times.

Got the results back on my tests and of course everything is fine. It's frustrating. But at least I have been losing weight recently, I really think my supplements are helping. I guess I just have to work 10x harder than the average gal to lose weight. Stupid genetics! Oh well I'm at a point now where I'm done with the medical community, other than for my blood thinners. Which I'm looking into alternatives to those as well.

Anyway, I haven't felt like blogging lately, there's lots I want to write about but then I'd rather be enjoying the sun, so stay tuned for a rainy day ;)

Here's a few pictures from the trip

Grandma's dog, Betsy and Aunt Sarah Logsdon

despite the look on her face she loved this pepper

3 of Sir Mix A Lot's Lamborghini's at a charity event at Claim Jumper

"My first car daddy? Please?"

oh the horror...poor girl being subjected to Husky clothes

ah at peace now that she in Cougar clothes

With grandma and grandpa Logsdon at the airport

about to leave Seattle and head for Spokane

Meet cousin Colston, he's almost 3 months here and just about pound under Abby who is now 9 months. :)

This is back at home but I got this outfit in Spokane, the cutest!

Update

2009-05-14T07:17:00.003-07:00

Wow a lot of people blogged in the last few days, I have some catching up to do.

For an update on my health: The pain in my joints got even worse over the last few days so I went back to the doctor because we were leaving yesterday to fly across country to Seattle and I didn't think I'd be able to cope.

Well they ran a few tests and my liver enzymes are pretty high bu they don't know exactly why. Also apparently the strep throat that I and the rest of my family got back in March is still running rampid through my body and has caused a minor case of mono. Great! The doc called my joint pain a "post-strep-arthritic-event."

So I'm on a round of sterioids and have to wear my stupid medical alert bracelet for the next few weeks because anti-inflamatories are a big "no-no" with blood thinners. Two doctors now also have told me to stop taking my herbal female hormone supplement because it can mess with my blood. But I find it funny that for the first time in 2 years my blood is at the right level of thiness (to greatly oversimplify it) and that was with the supplement. I'm not convinced that it is doing harm, especially since I feel less like a crazy woman when I take them.

Waiting on results

2009-05-11T17:00:00.002-07:00

Last week we headed to Springfield, Mo (about 1 hour away) to meet with an Endocrinologist. He went over my test results from the previous trip out there and to him everything looked spectacular. He told me that I have very little to near zero risk of diabetes and my PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) was gone. Wahoo!

However looking at my TSH thyroid level of 2.76 he also started to say "normal as well." But I stopped him right in his tracks because I was not about to hear again that I'm fine when I know my body and I know it's not working right. So I asked him "what does it mean to be 'normal' because I've been having my thyroid checked yearly since I hit puberty because all the women on my mom's side of the family have thyroid disease. I have never before this year had a level above .8! When I was pregnant it went to 1.5, four months postpartem it was 2.0, now eight months postpartem it's 2.76. How can you tell me that it is normal?"

He asked me if I've ever been checked for thyroid antibodies or for Lupus. I told him that 2 years ago I tested postive for Lupus but 2 months later the repeat test was negative so I was told I was okay. He immediately had me tested for both and now I'm awaiting results. He's pretty convinced that one of the two will come back positive. Surprisingly he asked if I get joint pain or rashes. I half chuckled as I explained how crappy I was feeling about myself because of my sudden inability to tolerate a jumping jack. I also ran one of my nails lightly down my arm and with in seconds I had a 1/2 in welt and a rash all around it. I've been chalking it up to sensitive skin for years and my recent joint pain, I chalked up to a new exercise. The doctor thinks that rather it is a Lupus flair up.

So I still don't have answers, only thoughts ruminating thorugh my head and fear of the unknown. On one hand, I want a diagnosis so that I can finally start feeling better, but on the other I don't want the diagnosis of Lupus.

Also I'm headed to a free skin cancer screening at a local hospital tomorrow because both my primary doctor and the endocrinologist have expressed concern about a couple moles that have appeared since being pregnant. And since forking out $125 for an initial consult at a dermatoligist isn't feasible this will have to do.

Sorry to be a Debbie Downer lately, I just have a lot on my mind and the sooner I write it down the sooner it'll get out of my head. Please keep me in your prayers and also Abby and I as we travel to Washington this week.

May 7th

2009-05-09T16:10:00.004-07:00

I got through it this year without too much pain. It doesn't necessarily get easier as the years go by, but my understanding of the fact that he's gone and my hope that we'll meet again someday becomes clearer.

It's hard not to still have the thoughts and feelings of "I wish he were here to see his grandchildren" and "I wonder what life would have been like had he not passed?" Even though it's been 14 years now I don't think a girl can ever get over missing her daddy.

Taken too soon in my opinion.

Miss you dad! Happy Birthday

Giveaway

2009-05-07T05:58:00.002-07:00

Another giveaway is going on. Things Moms Like is doing a wonderful knitters giveaway full of yummy organic cotton yarn and a beautiful arrangement of knitting needles.

Head on over and sign up if you're interested!

Giveaway

2009-05-06T18:22:00.001-07:00

Hey everyone if you love reading be sure to check out my friend Cinnamon's blog, she's doing a mother's day giveaway.

Be sure to leave a comment letting me know that you signed up and be sure to tell her who sent you over!

Better days

2009-05-03T10:57:00.004-07:00

Sometimes I just need a day of feeling like shit (excuse my language) in order to get my butt back in gear. I needed a day to moap about indulging in a couple of my freshly baked Chocolate M&M cookies to give my mind some clarity.

Was I really considering throwing in the towel because jumping jacks not hurt? Seriously? Luckily this morning I woke up refreshed and with the goal back in my sights and realized that I don't have to do the jumping jacks, there are a bunch of different cardio exercises I can do instead. The goal is to increase the heart rate, not just to do a jumping jack.

So after letting Jillian kick my butt again and then cooling down with some yoga, I feel much better, albeit a tad silly for my emotional outbreak. So today I'll actually celebrate the fact that I lost close to 14 inches in 2 weeks! That's pretty damn good. And I'm happy that 1 of those inches was from my chest WOOT! If I keep this up I might not have to get a reduction afterall....we'll see.

Now to tease you all with some of my recent delicious baking: I'm too lazy to post the recipes right now, but all of them were found online so they're really aren't my recipes to re-post anyway.

Chocolate M&M Cookies

Home-made Hot Dog & Hamburger buns

Except for this one, it's not mine but it's one I know without looking it up

Lemon Sprite Cake (pre cool-whipped)

Recipe:

1 box cake mix (I chose Lemon)
1 can Sprite or generic lemon-lime cola

Preheat oven as specified on cake box
empty box contents into a bowl
add 1 can of sprite, and nothing else...ignore the box
mix well and pour into baking dish

bake as specified on box

Day 15

2009-05-02T09:05:00.003-07:00

I should feel accomplished and proud of myself, I've lost close to 14 inches and a couple more pounds in 15 days but yet I feel like crap. My body has started to rebel against the high impact workout of Jillian Michaels 30 day Shred.

I feel like I have the joints of an eighty year old. My hips keep dislocating and my knees feel as if I'm rubbing bone on bone, one jumping jack sends shock waves from my hips to my feet and back and leaves me doubled over in pain.

Why all of a sudden must my body rebel? I've been working so hard and was finally starting to see some good results and feel great about myself and then this happens. I was taking my rest days so I know it's not a matter of pushing too hard to fast necessarily.

I'm so upset with my body right now, it's not a matter of powering through the pain because the pain is so sever. I wish we could change our bodies as easily as our clothes, if that were the case this one would be at the Goodwill right about now.

God or Man?

2009-05-01T10:47:00.004-07:00

Since yesterday was one of Andrew's day's off we decided to go out to lunch. Abby being the big girl that she is now, sat happily in a high chair and people watched and entertained fellow diners as is her job. :)

As we were leaving an older woman wearing a big flashy cross necklace and cross earrings stopped us and grabbed a hold of mine and Abby's arms and pulled us aside and said "I just have to get a good look at this child." then she got teary and said "God told me that I need to pray for this child. I've never done this before." Okay up to this part we were like "okay sure." But the "I've never done this before" seemed like a blatent lie as she pulled out a bottle of "anointing oil" and wiped it on my daughters forehead and said a prayer.

You don't just go walking around with a bottle of anointing oil if you've never randomly prayed over someone before.

Anyway we accepted the prayer because we're believers and prayer never hurts anyone. But we walked away from the experience a little upset. Did God really tell this woman, one who was obviously a charismatic who, even though she said she never did this, was very obvious that she made a practice of praying over random people, to pray over us? Or did this woman see Abigail's outward disabilities and assume that the worst would happen had she not prayed over her?

I'm really trying not to be all cynical of others especially charismatics but it's just so hard considering most of those whom I've encountered have been fake and playing the "religion game." I know, I used to play it too. I'm also questioning of this woman because she knows nothing about us other than what she saw. We go to church, we pray and are prayed for all the time, nothing devastating is going on with Abigail, she has a few disabilities and she'll need a few surgeries but she is perfectly healthy. Maybe I'm reading too much into it or I'm being over protective of my daughter I don't know. It was just really fake feeling to us. And we walked away, not feeling blessed and covered in prayer, but judged and singled out as being different.

I'm curious to know what you all think? I'm not looking for any sort of religious debates or church bashing (I know...shocker!) :)

What a difference

2009-04-28T07:22:00.005-07:00

One day while pursuing our local health foods store I wandered over to the herbs, vitamins and supplements. I picked up a bottle of something that claimed to help with postpartum blues and another one that was a mood elevator. Our neighbor who just so happens to work there saw me and asked if I needed any help. I asked her if those bottles worked and she asked me what was going on. "Do you think it's hormonal? Or thyroid" I told her I'm pretty convinced that it is both. So she directed me to two products that I have been taking ever since (about 2 months now):

Female Hormone Blend. This is primarily herbs such as Black Cohosh, Saw Palmetto and licorice root. Click on the picture for more info. This one has really helped me feel normal again and I notice a huge difference if I miss a day. For instance if I forget to take it, suddenly all the little things get to me, I become super emotional and enter into a vicious pattern of over-thinking (more on that below). When I take them I am able to shrug things off easier and not dwell or get upset. Best of all these have really helped to get my libido cooperating again.

The second supplement is Metabolic Advantage Thyroid Formula, this one has several clinical trials behind it and is one of the most effective weight loss supplements around right now, for those who have a sub-clinical to mild tyroid disfunction as you all know I 100% believe that I do. This one has helped to regulate my appetite and has virtually taken away all sugar cravings. I have found that when I take it I have a ton more energy and can think clearer. Without it I'm usually tired by 10 am and have to survive on coffee.

A third thing that has really helped turn me around lately is this book

I have recognized for many years that I have a tendency to get myself in to a pattern of ruminating thoughts and over-thinking and second guessing myself and others. It causes a lot of inner turmoil as well as strife with others. I went to therapy for a while after our first miscarriage and leaving our old church. It was there that I was finally able to deal with some of my deep past hurts most of which stemmed from the death of my father. Unfortunately we moved to Boise shortly after starting therapy and when we got pregnant again I though I was better...I'm sure you can all see where the pattern is going especially since we lost our 2nd and 3rd pregnancies. Anyway in the last few months of being isolated down her in Missouri and me not working I've had a lot of time to myself, granted I've had Abby but when there is not enough adult interaction I tend to let things play out in my head. When that happens before I know it I'm upset and I really couldn't tell you why or what caused it. This book paired with the supplements has allowed me to take control of my thoughts and empowered me with the fact that I am able to feel normal. I recommend this book to all woman whether you think you need it or not, most women do over think, it may not be as sever as I do it but I'm sure most of you can relate somehow. Think about a recent fight with a spouse, you probably did a very big dose of over thinking about it. This book teaches techniques to stop the over thinking and begin to think clearer and more rationally.

Lastly, I finally got into an Endocrinologist yesterday, I had to drive an hour to get my labs done and they made me do a fasting glucose test, they took initial blood levels then again at 1 hour and again at 2 hours. Lucky for me I had and interning phlebotomist so when I should have only had 3 pokes I ended up with 6. My arms very much resemble Olga's in her past blood draw fiasco, now I have to wait 2 more weeks for the results and drive back there to see the doctor. We'll see.....

Kick in the Pants

2009-04-23T13:01:00.005-07:00

Need a kick in the pants? Or a jolt of energy?

Try my Frappe Recipe (I'm sure someone somewhere has made this too but until I find that I claim this one as my own doing)

Caution...it aint healthy :)

Grind up espresso beans (we use Starbucks brand), our grinder yields about 4 TBSN after grinding. Transfer ground beans into nearest coffee pot and repeat.

Run your coffee pot once (or twice if you want quadruple shots....not recommended for beginners)

While the espresso is brewing locate your blender and add the following:
1/2 cup of half & half (or milk for healthier less creamy versions)
2 TBSN of Chocolate Syrup
2 TBSN + 1 Tea Granulated Sugar
1 cup brewed espresso
blend until well combined

add ice and continue blending until crushed.

Serve and enjoy the 5 minutes of calm before you're ready to fly off the handle and get all that house work done or cram all night for a test in the morning :)

Note: You'll have plenty of left over espresso to pop in the fridge for 2-3 days worth of iced drinks.

I'm beat!

2009-04-18T12:22:00.002-07:00

So far today I've done Jillian Michaels 30 day shred, a family walk, Abby & I did a 2nd walk to the store from some vanilla extract and yoga.

I'm sore and tired but feeling great! Oh and I've lost 7.5lbs since last week!

8 month chunk

2009-04-17T13:30:00.006-07:00

We put on some good weight this month, a little over a pound! Woot! A few days before turning 8 months she was at 13.8lbs so by now she should be well over 14lbs. And about 25 inches long Only 6+ more lbs to go before September for her cleft palate repair.

We had to change her formula AGAIN, because Enfamil is going to be discontinuing their LactoFree brand which makes me so angry, but I "get" that they're in the business to make $. Anyway so Children's Mercy really pushed us to get her onto Nutramigen (for those who don't know, it's about double the cost of regular formula and WIC gives you less to boot). We went ahead and make the switch, we didn't have many other options since she broke out in a rash with Soy and she lost weight on Gentle-ease and she refluxed more with the regular stuff.

Immediately she broke out in a rash, but it took us about 2 weeks to narrow down the root cause of the rash because she was also fighting continual ear drainage from her surgery and we had introduced a few new foods, we started to worry that it might be an allergy to the dogs :(. With the doctor's recommendation we gave regular Enfamil a try hoping and praying that she wouldn't reflux and that she wouldn't have lactose allergy. Thankfully it's working. She's still healing from the rash that affected her face, arms and legs.

We had to increase her calories as well because the little bugger would much rather eat her solids than drink from the bottle. And we have to combat the fact that she plays hard and burns a lot of energy with all her physical therapy. So we now mix the bottles 4.5 oz to 3 scoops for 24 calories per ounce (as packaged forumula is 20 calories per ounce), and she'll only take 4 bottles per day anymore. In the last month we learned, and kicked ourselves for not knowing before, to mix her solids with forumla rather than water. We've also added yogurt and alvacados. To our surprise though she has really taken a liking to drining from an open mouthed cup. You might remember my fears about this from before (I'm too lazy to find it and link to it right now). All that combined has chunked her up :) You can really see it in her cheeks and legs

7 months for comparison

blogger

2009-04-16T15:54:00.000-07:00

is anyone else having trouble with their new post section in blogger? Mine is all messed up and it's driving me nuts. I don't have the button to add a picture or anything.

What's in your vitamins?

2009-04-10T13:27:00.002-07:00

I was inspired by Health Begins With Mom blog to do a quick test on our vitamins and supplements to see what we found. I dreaded it a bit because we had just purchased several new bottles and I didn't want to find out something I didn't want to know...ya know ;) But our vitamins turned out pretty well. Try it out and let me know what you find.

First I sorted out 1 of each vitamin and labeled the wax paper

Then I baked them at 350 degrees for about 20 minutes (the vitamin C chewables stunk up the house)

We were pleased that most of them came out looking pretty good.

Except for Andrew's cheap One-A-Day that oozed toxic sludge.

All in all I'm thankful we pay a little extra for high quality product.

Baby Foods

2009-04-08T11:46:00.007-07:00

A lot of people have been utterly impressed (pat my own back) at the fact that I make Abigail's solid foods (minus the oatmeal that's store bought). I make her food because it's my personal redemption for not have success with breastfeeding, it saves us a ton of money and I can control what does and doesn't go into her body.

So let's go on a journey...

First we head to a local supermarket

But we have to make sure we are good and mad first ;) "I has a mad daddy"

Then we pick out the necessary supplies (usually organic)

See the link up above about the making part.....

After pureeing all the food I put them into these icecube trays, wrap in plastic wrap and then a layer of foil and freeze for 3-24 hours. I personally prefer the heavy duty, easy to twist ice cube trays. The blue ones seen are cheap dollar store ones that I aren't as pleasant and the one at the bottem is a special "baby food" one that has a lid and stacks well but wasn't worth the $5.50 for it.

After the cubes are frozen I pop them out of the trays and store them in freezer safe bags. Always label the bag with the date and type of food. Meat products use with in 1-3 months ideally, others can go a little longer.

This is our current stash. Carrots, Sweet potatos, bananas, chicken, apples, peas, green beans, mangos, peaches, alvacado, acorn squash and many combos too. All this food below cost us maybe $150 and it's well over a 6 month supply.

As opposed to this which is about $1.00 (if you're lucky) per package. We do however buy these first to try out new foods to test for allergies before making a lot.

All my information I got from www.wholesomebabyfood.com. I already have several friends and family members requesting I teach them how to make baby food after we've moved back home. It's fun!

What it all comes down to

2009-04-08T07:22:00.002-07:00

Here I am again at a crossroads. I got accepted into a post-baccalaureate pre-masters program, it'll require 2 semesters of 18 credits each and then applying to the masters program which is a 2 year program.

The draw back, I only have 1 semester left of federal aid eligibility as an "undergraduate" once I'm in the masters program my eligibility limits are higher. So I'd have to figure out how to pay for 18+ credits prior to getting into the program. Second draw back is that Washington requires 12 months to re-establish residency. When we moved to Missouri I just had to get my drivers license and show our lease and I was granted in-state tuition. So that means that I'll have to pay out-of-state tuition which is about $7000 more per year.

When I search my heart and what my real true desires are it is obvious to me that racking up a ton of debt for another degree that there's a chance I'd decided later not to use isn't worth it. My ultimate is to be a parent and to spend time with my children and my husband. If I commit to this program my time will be there's and not my own. I'll need to work more than full time to cover the cost and then try to find the time to study for 5 classes at once all the while fulfilling my duties as a wife and a mother. I don't think so.

Plus I'm getting burnt out with being at the mercy of the system "if I get accepted to the school" "if I get financial aid" "if I get into xyz program" etc it's exhausting.

We made a lot of hasty decisions in the last few months, ones that God is correcting now with our move back home and my school situation.

I know that I do not want Abigail in daycare more than 4 hours per day, it's our families choice and we don't fault others for different decisions, but this is just ours. So the new plan is for me to find a part time job after we move one that'll still give me the ability to spend most of Abigail's waking hours with her and to oversee her therapy appointments. As well as allow me the time to take care of our home and meals and such and my hobbies.

Our goals at 26 and 28 years of age is to be moving forward with investments and planning for our future, racking up another $40K in student loans is going to put us further from our goal. Especially when we have our sights on Abigail, I'd be crushed if I had to say "sorry honey we can't help pay for your college, we're still paying for our own" ick! Not going to happen!